The B in Blog

I hope there isn't a curse

2012-02-02T06:22:00.004-05:00

Last year's Jerk of the Year winner became the proud owner of a new bullet (installed between his eyes) and received a free boat ride that included a tankless scuba adventure. I'm talking, of course, about Osama bin Laden. I sure hope our Jerk of the Year winners aren't cursed somehow and susceptible to that kind of treatment. That really concerns me. Man, maybe I should cancel the award...
Well, first let me nominate Diggs for Jerk of the Year.

Some of you might be saying, "What? Diggs? He's such a nice guy!"

Wrong.

Consider the following evidence and I think we've got a no-brainer:

1. He asks who the General Manager of the Lakers is. You answer 'Mitch Kupchak'. He hits you in the nuts.

2. Someone wins a sporting event. Any sporting event. Diggs pours alcohol on your head.

3. He steps on toddlers at Holiday parties.

4. You do something-anything at all. He says, "You might want to think about doing it another way." You could be eating a sandwich incorrectly, according to Diggs. That's as annoying as that Alton Brown character on the Food Network.

5. He "iced" me for Christmas.

Look, I could go on for days with this list. Frankly, I can't believe he's never won this award. This is going to be the most fraudulent election in 12 years. I'll make sure Diggs is named Jerk of the Year no matter what the votes say.

If you have a candidate you'd like to nominate, send it in. He won't win, but send it anyway.

Picking Weiners

2012-01-31T06:34:00.002-05:00

In the days when this b-log actually featured some b-logging, I threw some questions out there as part of a Super Bowl guessing game? Who could forget naming Bruce Springsteen's first song? (Everyone)

Here's a new round of questions for this year's game. If you'd like to participate, leave answers in a comment or email me@ b.rentsb.log2@gmail.com

1. Which player will score the first touchdown?

2. What song does Madonna end her set with?

3. How many tears will Ryan shed after watching the inevitable Budweiser " troops leaving Iraq advertisement"?

4. What company will air the coveted first commercial after opening kickoff?

5. How many chicken wings will I eat?

6. What pun/reference does ESPN.com use for their headline following the game? My guess: One Giant Leap

7. What commercial will have the most Youtubes by 6 o'clock the morning after the game?

Good luck.

Super Bowl Fever

2012-01-23T20:14:00.002-05:00

...is probably more comfortable than super chlamydia. Here's a couple nuggets on the Game and the festivities surrounding it.

Eli Manning will save money on a hotel by staying at his brother, Peyton's house. Sources say he already called top bunk.

The days leading up to the super bowl were once about parties and festivities. This year, Kevin Bacon will come to town to teach the citizens of Indiana how to dance.

Seriously, I've been to Indianapolis. There's a graveyard and a Speedway. (that's not a Dan Wheldon joke. Too soon.).

What I thought was weird is that Madonna is playing the halftime show. I guess organizers were going after that key demographic: 1991.
I'm sure she'll make it work, but does she have 3 or 4 songs she can pull together that are appropriate for a football game and a broadcast that's only delayed 10 seconds? I mean, if she mounts any sort of animals on stage for more than 10 seconds, there will be trouble. I'm nervous.

We're on a record setting pace

2012-01-07T14:00:00.004-05:00

For Jerk of the Year nominees.

I was walking out of the doughnut shop this morning and the customers in front of me were getting into their car, parked next to mine. How should I describe these 3 customers without offending anyone? Hmmmm.
Well, I can't. A female passenger had short hair and probably enjoys organic things. The male passenger's hair was shaggy, but all of it was combed forward, somewhat Beiber-esque. He also started his order in the shop like this: "Can I get a doughnut and...?" for some reason I find that annoying. It's not a question, really. You're in a store that primarily sells doughnuts. I'm pretty sure you can get a doughnut. I guess it's not as bad as saying,"I'd like to give you money in exchange for the goods in your display case." But saying, "Can I get" is stupid.
The driver was a female, somewhere near 20 years of age. She probably enjoys the music of Ke$ha, who's just awful by the way, drinking too much, and being really bad at math and geography.

So which one of the tools earned the nomination for Jerk of the Year this week?

The driver who opened her door into the side of my car. All I could do was groan loud enough for them to hear me and give them a look any 30 year old man would make towards people he knows he's not going to like.

"So sorry," she says. To which I reply not a word, not even a polite "Don't worry about it". (I'm so cool.)

I backed up to drive away, half expecting to get backed into by this idiot, and I caught a glimpse of her license plate.

You guessed it: Massachusetts.

I got door-dinged by a Mass-hole.

Enjoy your weekend.

That was fast

2012-01-01T10:38:00.002-05:00

It's half past ten on January the First, and there's already a Jerk of the Year nominee. I'm talking about the butthead whose apartment shaking music, with the bass turned up high, lasted until 3 in the morning. I mean, who hosts a New Year's Eve party until 3AM? Shouldn't parties end at 12:01?
Anyway, happy New Year, and congrats for not being on the Jerk of the Year list so far.

The Man Without a Driver? Sure. Why not?

2011-12-18T09:21:00.006-05:00

Let's pick up with the drivers operating cars numbered 30 through 39. Since I last looked at drivers, there have been some changes in driver assignments. I'm sure I'll sort that out later.

30- currently available, I think. A rudimentary search reveals it belongs to David Stremme. I'll pass.
31- Jeff Burton. In all of my life, I've met 2 Jeff Burton fans. They shared a sausage, and there wasn't a bun. At this point in my life, I'm not ready to join that hallowed fraternity.
32- Man, the 30's are like the joke session of this driver picking thing. 32 might be driven by a lucky fan each race for all I know.
33- Last year, this was Clint Bowyer. He's got an extremely likable personality and has achieved moderate success over his brief career. He's moving to the highly unsuccessful Michael Waltrip Racing. Clint advances to round 2, for now.
34, 35, 36, 37, 38- this is a crowd of drivers that includes Travis Kvapil,David Gilliland, and Dave Blaney. If I'm interested in watching a battle to stay in the top 35 of owner points each week, I'll pick one of these. Until then, I'll pass (probably them on the interstate leaving a race. Because they're slow drivers. ).

39- Ryan Newman- He's another one of those guys that picks on people for no good reason. I think he has shit-don't-stink-itis along with Tony Stewart and Kevin Harvick. It's pretty sad that they all get paid millions of dollars to be jerks. Here I am doing it for free every day. Also, I'm tired of those "Hello, Newman" headlines when he wins his one race a year. I'll pass.

The Week Ahead

2011-12-13T20:59:00.002-05:00

You know, even though I've totally neglected this blog, I spend a good 32 seconds every day thinking about future stories. If I actually logged in to write something, here's what you'd be reading:

1. #30 through 39 in the Man without a Driver series. Like Digger said: I might be done by Daytona.

2. A Commentary on the bluejeans advertisement that popped up on the side bar after the first time I pretended to wear jeans. That makes me want to occupy something, and occupy it hard.

3. My Christmas List

4. The Year in "B"-view. It's kind of a clever look back on the last 12 months.

5. The great Kwanahanadanamas scare of 2011.

So don't forget to check in. You won't want to miss one second of the action.

And also, I should probably wish you a happy new year in case I forget to blog.

Let me tell you a story

2011-12-03T18:23:00.000-05:00

This morning, I was playing World of Warcraft when a knock at the door startled me. I set down my diet Mountain Dew and opened the door to find my best friend Keith with a paper bag from the Organic Burger King in his hand.
"I brought your favorite," said Keith.
"2 number 5's with triple tofu and heirloom sprouts? Thanks, and God Bless your soul."

So, I scarfed down my snack while Keith farted into my couch cushions. "What are we doing today?" I asked.

"Remember? The Occupy Wall Street Protest? It starts in exactly 10 minutes, and I know you never like being late."

"Right! How could I forget? Let me throw some jeans on," I replied.

I ran upstairs and grabbed two pairs. "Keith, should I wear these skinny jeans or these really loose and baggy ones with the wide openings at the bottom that cover up my entire shoes?"

"Wear them both, you know that will make you the happiest. Are you going to take a shower?"

"What's today? Saturday? Nah, I had one Labor Day Weekend. Well, technically, I swam in a lake, but it counts."

"Well, at least bring a hat to cover up those long dirty dreadlocks. Wear that NASCAR hat you have."

When I was finally ready, I started for the door and Keith says, "Wait, can you tell me again why we're doing this?"

I looked at him and said, "Because, it's opposite day, Keith, and this is what we do on opposite day."

And scene.

Giving Thanks

2011-11-28T18:19:00.003-05:00

A glorious 4 or 5 day weekend just went by. I see that these pages went largely unupdated. It's no wonder the site has dropped from the second coolest site on the Internet to 953rd coolest, just behind 6 Twilight Fan Fiction blogs.

Anyhow, here are the highlights from my time off:

1. I went to a funeral. Rest in Peace, Darcy's grandmother.
2. I ate fried chicken in the fried chicken capital of the world.
3. I ate two things called creamsticks. No further comment.
4. I got a speeding ticket. I should have channeled my inner redneck and claimed I was qualifyin'.
5. We visited an Indian Casino-one of the last remaining places on earth where one can smoke indoors. Also, the full body denim outfit counter rolled over the one million mark.

She's making a list, and checking it twice.

2011-11-19T19:03:00.001-05:00

One of the best birthday gifts I got was this, from Mel Hill. It was written on fancy paper, the kind one writes obituaries and resumes on. It's a list of things, which, as number 30 says, I appreciate because I am the list king.

The Premiereship

2011-11-19T18:21:00.001-05:00

Did I ever tell you about my acting debut? Oh yeah, I did.

Any who, it premiered in May, but I went to the truck race in Dover instead. Tonight, the director, Raj, is bringing it over to watch with us. Oh, and my scene? I'm told it's been cut.

Nuts.

Hi, I'm Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.

2011-11-19T16:13:00.000-05:00

In anticipation of the crowning of Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. as NASCAR's Nationwide Series Champion, Ryan demanded a reposting of the time I met him. Please excuse my hideously wet hair.

Photo credit R. Mulligan
I was lucky(?) enough to meet up and coming NASCAR driver Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. at Dover last week. One thing you might notice is that my hair is wet. I'm sorry about that. It rained all day. I won't let it happen again.
Second, you might say that Ricky is a short fellow. What's true is all NASCAR drivers are like 5'3 and 135 pounds. Except for Tony Stewart who was 5'3 and 135 pounds in 2nd grade.
Also, what the picture doesn't show is that when Ricky agreed to take a photo, I went in for the diploma receiving style handshake and he went for the hand around the back. It was awkward, for me, at least.

As soon as we left Ricky, I told Ryan I was already working on my blog post about the encounter. From that,genius erupted...

First, I said to Ryan: With a name like "Ricky Stenhouse, Jr." his only career choice is being a stock car driver. Think about it- you walk into a room and shake this guy's hand and he says, "Hi. I'm Dr. Ricky Stenhouse, Jr." Doesnt sound right. Or you're landing a business deal and you get a business card. It probably doesn't read "Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. Sales Associate".

From there, imaginary Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. starred in a series of infomercials/local tv ads.

-"Do you have a structured cash settlement and need cash now? Hi, I'm Ricky Stenhouse, Jr...."

-"Injured in an accident? Call me, Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. I don't get paid until you win the case."

-"Do you have unwanted gold or jewelry? Hi I'm Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. and I'm paying top dollar for your trades."

And that's the story of the time I met Ricky Stenouse, Jr.

It's National Poetry Day

2011-11-17T19:31:00.004-05:00

I didn't say what nation. Here are some poems I wrote. Also, you should know that poems don't have to rhyme. There. Now you're qualified to teach middle school poetry class.

Occupying something,
For some reason.
America.

If that's too political for you, try this one:

Beans, beans, good for your heart-
Research of effects on sphincter-
Is currently inconclusive.

Here's another.

There once was a man named Pop,
On the weekends he liked to shop.
He tried on some chinos,
But little did he know,
If they're not on sale, that's a chop.

How Good Was My Birthday Party?

2011-11-09T19:43:00.001-05:00

I burned a hole in the bottom of my shoe. That's how good it was.

Former CEO returns in Hostile Retakeover

2011-11-07T19:02:00.004-05:00

Fired publisher B-rent returned to B-log Headquarters this morning to resume control of the second coolest spot on the Internet. When asked to describe the confrontation between B-rent and Interim CEO Ted Stickles, an anonymous source shared the following sequence of events:

"B-rent burst into the board room during the shareholders meeting and Stickles called security right away. B-rent approached him and said, 'You tried to fire me from my own blog? That's a chop, Bro.' and then sort of hit him on the side of his neck. That was pretty much the end of it."

Open Letter from Ousted CEO

2011-11-03T21:29:00.002-04:00

In a statement released earlier today, former B-rent's B-log CEO, B-rent, addressed his former readers in advance of his 30th birthday.
Here's what he had to say:

"30 years and one gestation period ago, perhaps in celebration of Valentine's Day or Ronald Reagan's Inauguration, I was conceived. Three years and 8 months ago, this b-log was conceived. As I approach my birthday, I realize I've totally been slacking in my commitment to this space and the decision to replace me at the helm was absolutely warranted.

I express my sincere gratitude to interim CEO Stickles for letting me have the opportunity to reach out to you one last time. Without further ado, I present a list of cool birthday presents and presents I'll return for store credit...

Cool present- bottle rockets
Lame present- snot rockets

Cool present-State Quarter collection book
Lame present-National park quarter collection book

Cool present-Lawn Darts
Lame present-Barn Farts

Cool present-Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part II
Lame Present-Chamber of Secrets

Cool Present-An RV
Lame present- HPV

That's it. Smell you later.
-B-rent. "

Happy Halloween from Upstate New York

2011-10-27T20:42:00.002-04:00

Interim CEO makes first post

2011-10-24T21:59:00.005-04:00

I picked up this story from the local paper...

Around here (AP) -- Vandals played a cruel trick on a Slaterville family at the start of this Halloween season.

A pumpkin thrown Sunday from a passing vehicle shattered the back window of the family's PT Cruiser parked on the shoulder of Route 96. The pumpkin crumpled the molding around the windows, bent the frame of the rear passenger seat and traveled far enough through the car to fracture the rearview mirror. All told, one pumpkin caused $3,000 worth of damage to the vehicle, and more lasting psychological harm to the family.

"You have no idea the trauma it has caused," said the Slaterville man. For him and his wife, the impact has been one of aggravation and minor paranoia, shaking a little of that sense of country tranquility. For their 2- and 3-year-old grandchildren who had been visiting that day, the result has been more severe.

It goes on to say a bunch of stuff about the grandchildren needing therapy or something. That's what they get for driving a PT Cruiser.

Anyhow, I thought some puns would cheer them up.

I hope the police ...squash...that kind of behavior.

The family should keep their... gourd ...up.

Orange you glad they didn't throw a bowling ball.

(True story, as a teenager,I threw volleyballs out of a moving car which may or may not have hit a guy walking on the sidewalk. I had a spare bowling ball once and I threw it towards a mailbox out in the country. I missed, but what's worse is that I couldn't find the ball afterwards. I'm glad they didn't dust the finger holes for prints. I would have been busted. I guess I could always claim that I was ...framed.)

Blog Owner Fired

2011-10-23T19:07:00.002-04:00

AP- In a surprising move, the board of directors at B-rent's B-log have voted unanimously to fire Owner, Creator, and CEO B-rent. The surprise, insiders say, is that it took this long to happen. Board President Nevin Henderson said "We all wanted to vote him out last year, but B-rent is responsible for scheduling the board meetings, and, well, you do the math." B-rent's B-log (NASDAQ: BLO) will begin its CEO search next week.

Anonymous sources report the severance package was anywhere between 35 cents and $12.00. "Probably $11.75 cents too much," the source said.

The Man without a Driver- 21-29

2011-10-09T16:33:00.003-04:00

I thought about naming this group of drivers the " boring " twenties, you know, as a play on the term "roaring" twenties. I'd rather play it safe and not face a lawsuit from a decade that occurred 90 years ago. My legal department is ultra conservative. That's why I never say anything remotely slanderous. I almost never say swear words either. You could probably enter dirty words in the search box on this page to see how many times I use each word. (that's a great project for someone with lots of free time.) I bet I've said jerk and turd more than the s word or the b word or the d word. I'm not sure if I've used the f word on here or not. I wouldn't want my future kids to read that, assuming I'm able to have kids and the Internet is still free then.

Where was I? The twenties. Did you guys see the Ken Burns documentary on prohibition called "Prohibition"? You probably didn't. None of you strike me as enjoyers of public broadcasting. See that? That was a one paragraph set up for a zinger.

21- Trevor Bayne won the Daytona 500 this year, then crashed a bunch, then had a mysterious bee sting disease. Quite suspicious if you ask me. I'm not saying I suspect meth, but I always suspect meth when someone's performance suddenly drops.

22- Kurt Busch- When he replaced Rusty in the Blue Deuce, I wasn't happy. Then he spent the most of this season eviscerating his team on closely monitored radio frequencies. On top of that, he always sounds a little nervous in an interview following a confrontation. I'll pass on the Spruce Double Deuce.

23 I think it's unoccupied. Probably a tribute to Michael Jordan.

24- Jeff Gordon- I feel like you needed to be a Gordon fan in 1996 to really be a fan. Since then people started such groups as Fans Against Gordon and encouraged activities like throwing beer cans onto the track.

25- I'm not sure anyone drives this car. Is it going to be Mark Martin next year? Tim Richmond?

26- I was never more excited to see a movie than I was for Talladega Nights. It's the first time I never laughed at a comedy. Oh, Ricky Bobby drove number 26. And then Boris Said once. I guess. Idk.

27- Paul Menard- Sure, he won a race. Who is his sponsor again? Oh yeah- Menard's. Did you ever play T ball with your dad as a coach? I did, and I was the most annoying kid on the team. I was caught on video asking to change positions in the middle of an inning. Nobody makes me play 2nd base, except my dad, apparently.

28- Man, this number might be cursed. I think a couple of guys that drove this car died. No way my favorite driver is going to be a ghost.

29- Kevin Harvick. Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Pros- wins often, solid beer sponsor, although I don't care for Budweiser, points contender. Cons- probably picks on Handicapped and mentally challenged people. Probably.

Wow. Out of the 20's I picked zero drivers for round 2. The 30's aren't looking so promising either.

3 Day Weekend!

2011-10-09T11:46:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Christopher Columbus, most of us get to enjoy 3 days away from work. But it's hardly been a vacation. Here's what I put on my to do list Friday:

1. Movie Marathon- Actually, on Saturday I bought a ticket to the 9 a.m. showing of Real Steel and stayed until midnight. I try not to get swept away in Oscar talk, but this one generated a lot of buzz this weekend. Comparable to the Hellboy trilogy, Real Steel is a thinly veiled nod to the French Revolution with a dash of commentary on Post 9/11 airport coffee prices.

2. Columbus re-enactment- On Monday I'm taking a broom outside to shoo away any Native Americans I come across. Then I'm going to use science to predict a lunar eclipse and scare the homeless into thinking I'm superhuman.

3. Put a little gravel in my travel

4. Answer all the emails in my spam folder. Why are so many people selling Cialis for cheap? Don't they know most insurance plans will cover medication for erectile dysfunction if you can demonstrate "need" for it?

5. Drink a 30 year old bottle of wine

6. Regurgitate 30 year old wine that tastes like moldy cork.

7. Start planning my to do list for Veterans Day weekend.

The Man Without a Driver-20

2011-10-06T20:16:00.002-04:00

Joseph "Joey" Logano drives the 20 car (for now,at least). Highly touted as a young up and coming driver, I can't help but feel he has yet to meet those lofty expectations. In a few years at the top level, he has amassed an underwhelming 1 win. Even that victory was in a rain shortened race.
For a guy nicknamed "Sliced Bread", that's pretty lame. On the plus side, he's had a great zinger or two in his career, namely the "She wears the fire suit in the family" barb jabbed at Kevin Harvick.

Still, his name is Joey. My first car was made before he was born. I have to pass.

The Man without a driver-19

2011-10-03T20:48:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure anyone currently drives the 19 car, but I have a few comments about it anyhow.

1. Prior to Elliott Sadler suing his way in and out of the ride, it was piloted by Jeremy Mayfield.
2. NASCAR implemented a drug testing policy on September 20, 2008.
3. NASCAR suspended Mayfield for a methamphetamine violation on July 15, 2009.
4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. hasn't won a race since June 15, 2008.
5. Dale's given name is Ralph.

Here's a colored pencil. Draw your own conclusions.
(I'll also accept "I'm a writer, you do the math."

The Apple Harvest Festival

2011-10-02T11:59:00.003-04:00

Mrs. Rent and I took a stroll through the Apple Harvest Festival yesterday. Conveniently located steps from our door, the festival features variety of apple based fare. Here's a look at some of those delicious treats:

1. Apple cider- A regional favorite, select varieties are harvested and pressed into a versatile beverage- delicious chilled, but comforting as a hot drink on a crisp Autumn afternoon. Featured orchards at the festival are Dickens Farms, Cummins Plantations, and 4 Hands Inn. Look for their Ciders by name at your local grocer.

2. Apple Wine- Made for decades by local hobos, this year features an oaked version of the classic libation. Traditionalists can still find the classic style, which is fermented in old gasoline cans.

3. Free Range Organic Apple Sauce- In a town full of vegetarians and Vegans, it was determined that the standard method of processing apples to sauce was cruel and inhumane. Free Range Organic Apple Sauce starts with Fresh Apples not picked from the tree. Instead, they are gently spoken to and encouraged to fall from the tree where they land softly in a fair trade silk pillow. The apples are chewed by vegans and spat into recycled glass jars and transported to Farmer's Markets in VW buses that run on vegetable oil. Did I mention they were gluten free?

4. Horse Apples- Yahoo! search that one.

5. Rocky Mountain Apples- John Elway was the special guest at this year's festival. This is the nickname for his testicles.

Social Networking

2011-09-19T21:43:00.006-04:00

Twitter is a thing that seems pretty popular. Users ranging from celebrities, athletes, Potuses, and ordinary people update the public with their most recent thoughts.

I thought real hard and invented a few social networks myself. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Knitter- it's for old ladies to share their latest crochet fashions.
2. Shitter- it's like Twitter, but exclusively photos of celebrity poops.
3. Bitter- it's about lemons, vampires, and Jeffrey Dahmer.
4. Ritter- a fan tribute site to the star of Three's Company.
5. Spitter- this one is like Amazon or e-bay, but the only thing for sale is Snapple bottles of Skoal juice from country singers and truckers.

Another Man Without a Driver Candidate

2011-09-15T20:37:00.001-04:00

Next up, numerically, is 18, driven by Kyle Busch.
He's ~~probably~~ the most hated man in NASCAR today. He's booed fiercely by crowds all across the country. He's the guy that people flip the bird to as he drives by the grandstands. In some cases, that's 500 flipped birds, per person, per race. He probably leads all major sports figures in career flipped birds. If he ever has a child, he should teach it to think that flipped birds mean "I love you" in sign language. Of course, things could get awkward when the kid says goodbye to his grandparents.
Anyway, why is he so hated? I'm working on a couple theories:

1. He wins too much. Like, way too much, and people don't like that.
2. He looks weird. I think it's his big nose, or droopy eyes or something. That theory doesn't hold up because Peyton Manning is mostly adored, and he always has that weird helmet indentation on his forehead.
3. He smugly takes a bow after winning. What kind of jerk bows when people are throwing beers at him? A brave jerk, that's who.
4. He once spun out Dale Earnhardt, Jr. I think we're getting warmer. Even though he wasn't universally acclaimed at the time, you have to think that his winning would have won lots of fans over. Instead, the entire collection of Dale Earnhart, Jr. fans -population 100 Million, total combined IQ 129- hate his guts.I don't think that bothers Kyle at all. By the way, I can't wait until I get to number 88. I only wish Dale Jr. hires someone to read it to him.

So why would anyone bother to like this guy. I'm glad you asked.

1. He wins a lot.
2. He wins a lot because he races a lot. You can find him in all 3 series most weekends.
3. He goes by Rowdy. You remember that jerk Cole Trickle put in the hospital in "Days of Thunder"? That was Rowdy Burns. The comparisons pretty much stop there, but I think it's a cool nickname.
4. He's not afraid to have at it with other drivers.

So, yeah, Kyle's on to round 2.

Old Man River

2011-09-12T20:15:00.001-04:00

I'm about two months away from turning 30. Most people I know or am married to have turned 30 in the last year or so. At one point I thought that would be a difficult thing to do, as it seems to symbolically demarcate the division of youth and old age.

Now? I think I'm okay with that. In reality, I think I've always been an old man. Now I won't need to pretend that I'm not. I'm going to love being an old man because it means I won't need to feel guilty about the following things...

1. Going to bed early. I'm sorry, I just get tired at 9:30 and I want to go to bed. Digger always made fun of me because I retired for the evening at a key moment in the American League Championship Series. I don't care if the Red Sox are coming back from a 3 games to nothing defecit. I need my sleep.

2. I've always been offended by MTv, even as a teenager. Beavis and Butthead were a little much. Their language was a little too strong for my taste. I'm also thoroughly offended by half of the things Crook says. He recently dropped the F word on me in the fantasy football message board. What kind of message is that?

3. I call the police on troublemakers. There were some youths drinking beers and skateboarding on the parking garage by my apartment. After an hour or so I called the police to report them. Unfortunately, they left right after I called, so I had to call the police back to tell them not to come. I don't care if it was Cinco de Mayo. This isn't Mexico.

4. I write to companies to complain about things. This is fun. I also give honest feedback on surveys and evaluations. Most recently, I lodged a complaint with ESPN about their NASCAR broadcast. They appreciate me taking the time to share my thoughts, or so their reply states.

5. I enjoy Raisin Bran. But seriously, who doesn't?

6. I very diligently monitor air conditioning use and know a lot about air circulation.

7. I eat peanuts in the shell, well only at NASCAR races about half a cooler in. My 6 year old niece was both impressed and grossed out. Precious.

There's probably lots of other stuff, too. But I can't remember. See? Old.

America:The Most American Country

2011-09-11T18:31:00.001-04:00

Some might say I'm not a very patriotic person. That's true. In fact, Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be an American" is my least favorite song of all time.

On days like this, though, I'm reminded that's America's a place with great people. Well, still lots of terrible people, but they're slightly more tolerable when they all agree to hate al Quaeda for one or two days each year.

In honor of America, I'm giving out awards to recognize the best (and worst) about this country. Let's quit pussyfootin' around and get to it.

Best Enemy: al Quaeda.
No surprise here. Past winners include England, Germany, Russia, Vietnam.

Most American Food: That cake women make on the 4th of July with strawberries and blueberries resembling the flag.
I usually wash it down with a glass of pride. And 3 Coor's Lights.

Least American Food: The snake they ate in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. That was disgusting. No American would ever eat that.
Past winners include sushi, French Fries, French Toast, and tofu.

Most Amercian City: Kirkland, Washington.
It's probably the only state not named after a British person, place, or thing or derived from a Spanish, French, or Indian name. And the city was named after a guy named Kirk, who was probably American.
Runners up include Red Bank, NJ, White Plains, NY, Bluballs, PA, and BinLadensucks, OK

Worst way to honor America: When Kid Rock wears an American Flag shirt. Granted, it's the only non-wife beater shirt he owns, but come on, man! That's terrible.

The next eight candidates for the man without a driver

2011-09-08T20:26:00.001-04:00

I left off with the great Robby Gordon, who made it clear he wasn't giving that jerk, Danica Patrick, number 7. Marvelous. Perhaps my new favorite driver will be the first one to make her cry or hurl a sexist insult her way. That will be fantastic.

I can skip number 8 and consider Marcos Ambrose in the 9 car. The only good thing about him is that he's more Southern than any other driver on account of being from Australia. That jerk Richard Petty should hook him up with the Foster's sponsorship and fuel the car with a giant Foster's can. That's marketing genius right there. Marcos, it's not a G'day for you to be my favorite driver.

Does anyone drive number 10? Not that I know of.

11- Denny Hamlin. He's talented, has a good team, and has enjoyed moderate success over the years. Once he beats that pesky lisp, he might get a few more fans. I'm going to put him in Round 2 for now.

12?
13- Ha! Casey Mears. Doesn't he look like a guy that fights people over beer pong? Yes.

14- Tony Stewart is the biggest jerk on the circuit, yet he's adored for being outspoken and "Honest". Sorry, guys, but that's exactly what a jerk is. He's the kind of guy that would single someone out in a crowd and make them feel like crap. But everyone laughs and gangs up on the guy because they don't want to get picked on next. (I'm usually the guy that gets picked on. Jerks like Digger usually try to do the picking.)

15- Wasn't this the flamboyant Michael Waltrip?

16- Greg Biffle and 17-Matt Kenseth- See Ragan, David.
Also, Greg Biffle was once called a bug eyed dummy. Matt Kenseth got shoved by Jeff Gordon so hard he crapped his firesuit.

That's probably enough for now. I need to ease back into this thing.

Has it really been that long?

2011-09-08T20:04:00.002-04:00

I guess I was getting excited for Faith Hill to tell us about football and I forgot to do some writing.
Here's what I've been up to...

2 fantasy football drafts. I don't even like football anymore. Greedy chumps with their stupid cartoon robot.

Motorboatin' through flood waters. Not really. My boat doesn't have a motor and it's in Maryland.

Changing my tie rod end. You know there's a football player named Tyrod? Weird.

Brewfest in Ithaca. Lots of beers. Too many hippies. Way too much reggae music. God, I hate reggae music.

That's about it. I need to get to work on my NASCAR posts.

Look out for that Hurricane

2011-08-29T20:06:00.002-04:00

In the days when people read blogs by telegraph or pony express, they got weather reports pretty slow. With 99% of my readership in the Hurricane zone, I suppose I should have been more concerned about their wellbeing. I've been following the news, and I'm relieved to find out no one died doing anything stupid. Good job, guys.

If you have any cool hurricane damage pictures you'd like to share, send them my way.

Smell you later.

The Man Without a Driver-7

2011-08-27T11:28:00.002-04:00

Well I've just had no luck completing this entire piece on Robby Gordon. I've managed to turn out just a sentence or two before having to shut it down. I mean, it would be terrible if I wasn't finishing the posts on purpose, right?

By now, I hope the subtlety of this Start and Park joke isn't lost.

That's the thing with Robby lately. Running a successful team is expensive and challenging. Resorting to starting and parking is sad, but I guess it pays some bills.

I still like the man, though. He gave out energy drinks to children because, why not?
Round 2, Robby, is where you're heading.

The Man Without a Driver -7

2011-08-25T17:43:00.003-04:00

Where was I? Oh yes, Robby Gordon was once considered the top road racer in NASCAR. More recently, however...
Wait a minute. I'm getting some sort of error message. I need to shut down and try this again later.

The Man Without a Driver-7

2011-08-24T21:36:00.001-04:00

The great Robby Gordon has piloted the 7 car for a few years now. As one of the few owner-drivers, he's really ...
Hang on a minute. I have to go take care of something.

The Man Without a Driver-6a

2011-08-23T19:22:00.002-04:00

Let's take a look at Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. who drives the 6 car in the Nationwide Series. He's an up and comer and I've met him in person.
Even though he left me hangin' on the handshake and has a baby mullet, I'm going to root for him in the coming years.
I do think he's a prime candidate for testing positive for some sort of illegal medication, but I hope he doesn't. It's just that he's from Mississippi, and they do things different down there.

The Man without a Driver -6

2011-08-23T19:15:00.002-04:00

Total wild guess here, but here's the average David Ragan fan:
Ford hat.
David Ragan T-Shirt tucked into jean shorts with woven belt.
White socks pulled up just below calf.
Gray Velcro shoes.

Like I said, it's a total wild guess because I've never actually seen a David Ragan fan.
I certainly won't be his first.

By the way, I'm using the same description for Greg Biffle and Matt Kenseth fans.
Spoiler alert, I won't be picking them, either.

The Man Without a Driver-4 and 5

2011-08-20T07:12:00.004-04:00

Kasey Kahne currently drives the 4 car in what should be a slam dunk choice for my favorite driver. He's got talent, dreamy eyes, a cool sponsor with a simple, yet elegant paint scheme. So what's the problem? He's only in the Red Bull car for this season. Furthermore, it appears as though the Red Bull Team itself will so go the way of the dinosaurs and the polar bears.

Kahne's moving over to the 5 car for Hendrick, complete with Farmers Insurance or something for his primary sponsor. While I'm thrilled that he's moving Mark Martin out of a ride, Mark would be perfect with a boring sponsor like Farmers. Think about it, old people like farmers and insurance. Mark also retired once, along with Rusty Wallace. That turd came back, and to my knowledge he kept all of his retirement gifts. Don't expect anything special the next time around, Mark.

Back to Kasey.he definitely fits into the category of drivers that I'd hate to see die in a fiery wreck. But looking back on his career, Kasey has been involved in some murky situations: Evernham racing had a driver dating an owner, a methamphetamine user, and Kahne. I think it merged or something and became Richard Petty Motorsports. They couldn't afford to pay their bills last year, and teammates were scrapping on the regular. Kahne left early to drive 5 races with Red Bull at the end of last season. This year, his team decides to shut down. Those dreamy eyes aren't conducive to a successful work environment.

Anywho, Kahne's moving on to Round 2. Mark Martin is making sure he didn't Number 2 when he sneezed.

The Man without a Driver-3

2011-08-19T09:10:00.001-04:00

Dale Earnhardt piloted the 3 car to a few championships and a ton of wins. Even in death, his mustachioed face still graces the front of ugly shirts at NASCAR races and hunting clubs.
I have a healthy respect for Dale, but only in the sense that he reminds me of an uncle that would take it upon himself to spank other people's kids at a Christmas party.

I'm too late to declare him my favorite driver, but I will throw a "Senior woulda saved it" out there whenever it's warranted.
Ol' number 3 isn't quite going to make it around the last turn to round 2.

Editor's note: Digger tried to talk me into an Austin Dillon consideration for the 3 spot as he currently drives the 3 truck. Digger, tell Austin that he can be my favorite driver when he can wipe his own boogers and stops calling his grandfather Pop Pop. Just kidding. He'll get his chance in the 90's. Isn't he driving #94 or 95 later this year?

The Man Without a Driver-2

2011-08-19T06:01:00.009-04:00

#2 is where my quest for a new favorite driver really begins. Rusty Wallace was at the helm of the Blue Deuce when he decided to retire.

During that time I amassed a great deal of merchandise so that Rusty and his team could afford gas on race day. Oddly enough, I just don't like Miller Lite.

Here's my Rusty Wallace cooler.

Here's my Rusty Wallace Christmas ornament.

Here's some classy glassware.

Here's a Rusty Wallace Pez dispenser, courtesy of the Digger.

Here's a die cast honoring Rusty's Last Call.

So here I am at the end of the 2005 Season, Kurt Busch was named the driver of the Blue Deuce, and Rusty is on his way to an impossible job of turning Steven Wallace into a driver.

I entered an oblivion of NASCAR fandom. Sure, there were guys I liked and disliked, but without Rusty, I couldn't get 100% behind someone, especially Kurt Busch.

Enter Brad Keselowski. True, he has a funny voice and strong teeth, but he's also a straight shootin' SOB. Keselowski has won a few races and mixed it up with other drivers from time to time, verbally, at least. The jury is still out on him, as far as how much I actually like him. I'll let him slide to round two, but he's going to have to do something amazing in the next couple of weeks to get to the semi-finals.

It'd be a lot Cooler if you did

2011-08-18T19:32:00.003-04:00

Pardon the Wooderson quote. My cooler was hijacked at Watkins Glen last weekend. Chuck allowed Nationwide Series drivers Reed Sorenson, Jason Leffler and some other guy to write all over it. I'm not sure if that raised or lowered the value of the cooler.

Embracing a theme of writing on B-rent's cooler (see: Dake Earnhardt, Jr. ) my cooler was passed around like methamphetamine at a Mayfield family reunion.

Crew Chief Greg Zipadelli signed it after trying to steal it. Miss Sprint Cup autographed it with considerable legibility given the circumstance during which she signed it. Pace car driver Brett Bodine signed it at the tweet up.

If I acted swiftly enough, I probably could have scored another Robby Gordon signature. He managed to sign Chuck's can of Speed Energy Drink, though. Good guy, that Robby Gordon.

The Man Without a Driver- 1

2011-08-18T08:26:00.003-04:00

Jamie McMurray drives the 1 car. At Charlotte last year, I declared him to be my new favorite driver. I was about 10 hours into a truckload of Coors Light, but still, he has a chance.

I like that he's number one. I like that he has won a couple races recently. I like the orange/camo scheme when he runs the Bass Pro Shops car. I like that he once drove the Coors Light car. I like Coors Light. He's also not an ugly man, not that this matters. I like that he cries when he wins, there's nothing wrong with that.

He's moving on to the next round, but he's got a major obstacle to overcome: he's sponsored by McDonald's, and I'm not a big fan of that.

The Man Without a Driver-00

2011-08-18T06:18:00.003-04:00

David Reuttiman drives the 00 car. First of all, I don't think I spelled his name right, so he has that going against him. Second, he goes by David instead of Dave or Davey. I sort of hate his sponsor, Aaron's which is a predator of poor folks. He does get involved in some pretty hellacious crashes and appears to be a silly dude. Overall though, he seems like someone that's a nice guy but not favorite driver material.
Sorry, David, you can go ahead and park it now.

The Man Without a Driver

2011-08-17T17:53:00.002-04:00

Last summer, I embarked on a mission to pick my new favorite NFL team. It was a source of solid material for a month or two. Now I need to figure out my favorite NASCAR driver. Not since the great Rusty Wallace retired have I felt completely allegiant to a driver. He had it all: a cool name, some cool sponsors in Kodiak and Miller Genuine Draft, a good number (27 wasn't bad, but 2 was a good one), and he won some races and a championship. He even mixed it up with other drivers from time to time. He had at it boys before boys were instructed to have at it.

Sure there are drivers I like and don't like, but I'm hoping this extremely scientific process narrows it down to one man (yes, I intentionally said man.)

My rules are simple. I'll proceed in numerical order, from 00 to 99. Drivers will either advance to the next round or they'll be black flagged, eliminated, that is.

I'll take a closer look in the next round and award scores based on the following categories: success, paint schemes, sponsors, personality, and other stuff. By round three, I'll go with my gut and take reader input. After that, I should have a winner. I hope this happens before the end of the NASCAR season.

Without further ado, have at it, B-rent.

Happy Birthday, Darcy!

2011-08-14T18:32:00.003-04:00

My lovely wife had a milestone birthday yesterday. My gift? This photo of me with Ryan and some girl.

4 die in separate, related incidents

2011-08-11T07:31:00.003-04:00

Monday, August 15, 2011
Four race fans attending this past weekend's NASCAR race at Watkins Glen were killed in separate tragic accidents. Track officials suspect at least a little bit of foul play, but chalks up the deaths to the sport's "Have at it, boys" policy.

State police say the first accident occurred around 10:20 Saturday evening at a campsite the men were sharing. Charles C., 30, of Felton, was electrocuted during a lightning storm. Eyewitnesses say he was brandishing a 75 foot long copper pole at the time of the incident. After several crude jokes, he purportedly inserted the rod into a neighboring camp's roasting pig and called it a "Ham Radio". The joke landed, and was delivered with excellent timing. He attempted the joke again, minutes later, and swung the other end of the pole into electrical wires. He is survived by a wife and 1 son.

Shortly after Charles' death, Mr. Mulligan attempted to sell the now available race ticket to emergency crews at the scene. He was promptly arrested for interfering with the scene of an accident. He was detained in Watkins Glen International's track jail, usually reserved for scalpers and inebriated fans. Mulligan quickly adapted to prison life, acquiring several tattoos and starting a gang. Witnesses say trouble really started when he formed a rival gang in the 10 by 10 holding cell. A late night prison riot turned ugly and Mulligan was sent to solitary confinement. 2 hours after his initial arrest, Mr. Mulligan was found dead in the cell by self inflicted bite wounds. He is survived by his wife, Judy.

After attending two funerals Sunday morning, Mr. J. Digger, 30, of Smyrna, and B. Rent, 29, of Ithaca, attended the race. Around lap 40, neighboring fans say Mr. Digger left his seat to visit the concession stand, reportedly to secure an "Oh Oh Burrito". But Digger didn't make it to the stand. NASCAR officials spotted an unknown man, later identified as Digger, near the Haas Automation/US Army pit box. Jack man Dennis Hines told police that Mr. Digger approached Krissie (Newman) and was promptly warded off with potent pepper spray. Now blinded, Digger stumbled off in search of assistance. He inadvertently crossed the garage entrance into the path of Dave Blaney, who was experiencing "electrical" issues and parking for the rest of the day. Digger was killed instantly, although safety experts agree he could have been saved if he wore a HANS device. He is survived by a wife, Katie, and a dog, Tedy.

After the race was over, Mr. Rent packed up the campsite and loaded up Mr. Mulligan's automobile. Respecting his last wishes not to drive it, Mr. Rent pushed the vehicle into Seneca Lake where it sunk to the bottom and will serve as a memorial to the fateful events of the weekend. Mr. Rent walked the 25 miles home, surviving hillbilly attacks, diabetes, a heart attack, and several hit and run attempts. Upon reaching Ithaca, he was confronted by 3 hippies just minutes from his home. Mr. Rent turned around and walked back to Seneca Lake to wait in Mr. Mulligan's car until the "Hippie Smell" went away. Rescuers couldn't persuade him to leave the vehicle even as his lungs filled with lake water and algae. Divers said they can't remember a case of someone hating hippies more than this. After 4 hours underwater, rescuers gave up and left the scene. Mr. Rent is survived by his blog and a wife who was not amused.

Happy Birthday, Raj.

2011-08-06T00:00:00.002-04:00

It's Raj's birthday. He's turning 30 something. For his birthday I got him this once in a lifetime dating profile.

Name: Raj

Skills: Statistics, Cricket, Directing

Likes: NASCAR, America, Viskey

Dislikes: Jerks, Insurance Fraud, Flag Burning

Interested in: Fancy Women

B-Rent goes to Camp

2011-08-05T20:45:00.002-04:00

In the tradition of the late, great character actor Jim Varney, I'm going camping this weekend. I can't wait to look in a toilet and then at the camera and go "Ewwewwwwwwwwewwwwww!!" whilst shifting my lower jaw from side to side.

Here's what else is on the agenda...

1. Killing a bear. In the wild it's either him or me. The same holds true at local zoos.
2. Pitching a tent. I haven't done that since I was 13. I hope I remember how.
3. S'mores . I decided to go ahead and replace the Hershey bar with a Peanut Butter Cup. That's going to be so delicious they'll call them S'mosts.
4. Peeing on a campfire. (No explanation needed.)
5. Ghost stories. I'm going to tell the one about when Bill Cosby dies and still manages to take care of his kids.
6. Save Christmas.
7. Go to Jail.
8. Get scared stupid.

August!

2011-08-01T19:34:00.013-04:00

B-logging has been sporadic in the last month or so. 4 posts in July might be a record low. I wouldn't know though, I don't believe in Statistics. Speaking of statistics, Mrs. Rent is at the world's best conference, statistically speaking. It's the Joint Statistics Meeting in the center of the stats universe- Miami, Florida. I guess those nerds couldn't figure out that it would be hot and hot and humid in Miami. Idiots.

Last year at this time, things were so bleak, I embarked on a b-logging journey to pick my favorite NFL team. This year, I've given up on the league completely after this latest labor fiasco. I'm not even going to pretend to understand what the disagreement was over. I'm just kind of mad that no real games were missed. That might have given fans the opportunity to dump the sport and hit the league hard in the wallet. Instead, business will go on as usual and we'll still have to watch a commercial after the kickoff that immediately follows a commercial. I usually hate commercials.

What else is new around here?

I don't know. I auditioned for the cover of a rap cd. I didn't get it, but they said to try again some other time, but don't wear a sailboat tie.
(This photo is copyrighted, so don't make money off it.)

The summer of carbon emissions, as Chuck puts it is going strong. I think the majority of my emitting is over, and in the next couple weeks, other people will be paying for gas like suckers.
Here's a quick recap with approximate mileage travelled for each trip.

June 4th- A wedding in Boston. I got to hang out with cousin Raj. All the food was vegetarian. Allegedly the bartenders had to run out for more Johnny Walker Black (which is vegetarian friendly). 700 miles or so round trip and one very concerned wife who wanted to be sure I didn't John Bonham in my sleep. No chance of that happening, lady.

Pictured: Me and Cousin Raj

June 11th- A baptism is San Francisco. Technically there were still carbons emitted, and lots of them, even though I flew. Oh! I became a Godfather. It was great, except for the part when I put a horse's head in someone's crib. 7,000 miles, at least on this trip.

June 25th- Wedding in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. 1100 miles, round trip is what I put on the b-logger mobile. It was nearly a catastrophe when two wheel studs broke and my wheel almost came off. Some idiot should learn how to tighten lug nuts better and quit trying to do his own car maintenance.

July 2nd- Chuck's birthday. Around 500 miles round trip. Plus 10 or so behind the wheel of a go kart. Also, this is when I invented the 9 o'clock hot dog.

July 9th- I took my wife sailing, so almost no carbons were emitted. Although this was the night of the fiasco at the NASCAR race in Kentucky, which I watched on the television, so there's some pollutin' going on somewhere.

July 16th- Wedding in St. Michael's, MD. Probably the classiest wedding I've attended. I'd put the over/under on ladies named Vivian at 8.5.
The next day I ate a Chesapeake Bay's worth of crabs. 800 miles were added to the odometer.

July 23rd- Decided to help the environment a little. I walked to an architectural salvage place. My lady picked up 2 old shutters and hung them on the wall for decoration. Then we went back and she found an old cupboard door. We made a table out of it. It's quite fancy.
Let's say no carbon was emitted, but I'm pretty sure I inhaled lead paint.

July 30th- Smith family reunion in Ohio. Lots of fun, and 700 miles on the odometer. Combined mileage of all Smiths in attendance? Off the charts. People came from Florida, California, D.C., New Jersey, and other parts of Ohio.
Sunday at 4 in the morning, I drove my wife to the Airport in Cleveland so she could log another thousand miles or whatever to Miami. The airport is about 2 miles from The Browns' training camp, so I stopped by. Unfortunately, they weren't practicing at 5 in the morning. Stupid labor agreement. I thought about waiting around for practice to start, but then I remembered- it was the Cleveland Browns. I knew what to expect, having played Pop Warner football for a couple years.

And that brings us to now. Sorry for my slacking. I'll try to do better.
In the next couple of weeks, my old lady is turning 30 and my buds are coming to the race at Watkins Glen. It should be a fun month.
Smell you later.

Is it hot enough for you?

2011-07-23T08:53:00.003-04:00

As temperatures tend to do in the middle of Summer, it reached triple digits in many areas across the country this week. Exactly how hot was it? I'm glad you asked...

It was so hot Nick Lachey and 3 other dudes swelled with pride for a short time over each of the last few days.

It was so hot, I fried an egg on the sidewalk and then pan seared some halibut.

It was so hot, the toilets at 7-11 have doubled as teapots.

It was so hot, the neighborhood cats were volunteering to be skinned, and they weren't at all particular about the method.

Hansen? Damn near killed him!

2011-07-19T20:37:00.003-04:00

I didn't completely forget yesterday was Hansen's birthday. I wrote it down on my desk calendar at work, but then I didn't go to work. Hansen, for the uninitiated, is the better half, well, better 90% really, of the Digger family.

Without talking to her, I'm fairly confident I can tell you all about her special day.

3:00 a.m. Slept through Digger's rousing rendition of Beethoven's 5th in Snore Major.

5:30 a.m. Woke up, stretched, wiped off 4 liters of Tedy slobber.

6:00 a.m. Was told by Digger, "You might want to think about having a happy birthday."

7:00 a.m. Made and decorated a cake resembling the 20 mile traffic backup at Kentucky Speedway.

10:30 a.m. Took a minute to reflect upon her life's accomplishments. Somehow, winning the fantasy football championship 2 years ago wasn't in her top 20. My victory 6 years ago is either 1 or 1a. in my book.

12:00 p.m. Went home to feed Tedy and Diggs. Both came running at the sound of the can opener.

1:00 Had blue and gold jello shots, just because.

2:00 Looked fondly upon the 2000 North Attleboro High School Yearbook. Not at the faces of long lost friends, but at the binding, the typesetting, the layouts, and the fonts.

3:30 Finally discovered that bag Digger's been hiding in the basement.

4:59 Noticed extremely worn rear tires in her car and quarter mile times written on her front windshield. She then regretted sending her husband to that grocery store by the dragstrip.

I got a Google+ Invitation

2011-07-11T10:10:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if I'll use it, though. Just in case I decide to join, I'm mentally preparing my circles. Circles, for people that don't read news or know things, allow the user to group similar people into categories, thus sort of providing a level of privacy. I guess you could have a coworker circle, a family circle, and a friends circle. Since I don't have family or friends, those circles won't work for me.

Here are my circles:

There's a Circle of my buds that read the B-log. That's Digger, Chuck, Ryan, Crook, Crook's mom, and Melanie.

There's Mikey, Cinnamon, Eddie Murphy, and Martin Lawrence in the Circle of Life

Until I move to Utah or they loosen up the laws in New York State, Darcy's the only one in the Circle of Wife.

I have a circle of people who starred on ABC's Friday night lineup in the early 90's. It's the Urkel Circle and there's only one person in it: Balki. He's from Mypos.

More circles-

A Perfect Circle
Maynard James Keenan
Suzanne Somers
Nadia Comaneci
Curt Hennig

Jerk Circle (No, not the University of Delaware on a Saturday Night)
Osama Bin Laden
Casey Anthony
Tim Pawlenty
Digger
Chris Berman

There's the Sun and Punky Brewster in the Cirque du Soleil.

There's Captain Hook, The Jack of Clubs, John Paul Jones, Thompson's Water Seal, and Stephen Decatur in the On Deck Circle.

I think that's plenty of circles and bad jokes for now.

Google Plussing

2011-07-07T07:38:00.002-04:00

The month of July, or Jooo-Lie as Darrell Waltrip calls it, has ushered in an age of social media Ingenuity. Google has a new thing called Google+, except we aren't cool enough to get invited yet. Facebook just introduced video chatting in an effort to stay ahead. MySpace should probably jump out of a window and collect the insurance money.

I'm not currently involved in any of these sites, except for maybe an untagged photo or three on the Facebook. I did add this "+1" button on the sidebar. You're supposed to push that if you like something and then I don't know what happens. In all fairness, I should have a "-1" button for when something is terrible. I'd make it so a certain amount of "-1"s make the site shut down.

His parents were birthers...30 years ago today

2011-06-28T09:27:00.005-04:00

Happy Birthday, Chuck.
Last year, my gift was an obituary for him to use whenever he needs it. This year, I decided to share 30 "Fun Facts" about Chuck. (Fun Facts is in quotes because it's debatable that they are fun or even facts. Don't sue me.)

1. He might have coined the term 'orgasmic' 10 years ago in reference to ice cream.
2. Chuck agrees that Easton Corbin is a complete jerk...but, man, are his songs good.
3. He has erected at least two decks that I know of. Since they are both sturdy and attractive, those decks don't suck.
4. Chuck has won at least 1 Andre 500.
5. He has a dog named after a NASCAR team owner. No, it's not called Delana or Frankie Stoddard.
6. He lives next to Gamblin' James, who always has a poker game.
7. His wife and him have hosted Kwanahanadanamas for the last 3 years.
8. He once gave away a used magazine for a gift.
9. He's been married for about 7 years despite purchasing a motorcycle and firearms.
10. We figured Chuck has met a man that met a man that met Elvis.
11. He's got the highest shuffleboard winning percentage in Brown's Tavern History.
12. He knows his way around a telescope and can probably find Uranus.
13. He might have been caught goose-stepping at Digger and Kate's wedding.
14. He sided with the owners on this NFL labor dispute, and could probably convince you to do the same.
15. He finish 3rd in a recent election.
16. If you're having problems, sit down and let him pour you a Dr. Jim. That'll fix it.
17. His iPod has a ton of Toby Keith on it. Followed by lots of Jay-Z. No word on how many Dillary Huff songs he owns.
18. His son is not called Charles the IV. (around his mother)
19. On his bachelor party school bus, I barfed into a bag of Doritos and someone then ate some of those Doritos without knowing I barfed in there. That whole confession just reminded me of the story Chunk told in the Goonies when the Fratellis threatened to put his hand in a blender.
20. I'm stopping at 20 facts. This post is going to remain on top until the comment section has 10 more fun facts. Go to work, people!

Number 2

2011-06-27T16:54:00.003-04:00

Happy Anniversary to Mrs. -Rent. That's two years if anyone's counting, and apparently, I am.
Also, the 2nd Anniversary gift is cotton. I had a little trouble coming up with gifts because she already has Q-Tips. I'll figure something out.

I found my thrill...

2011-06-25T09:14:00.003-04:00

I won't use her full name here in case future employers or present stalkers Google her, but long time B-log reader, Melanie is turning a year older. I won't say how old, but if her age were a Super Bowl, Trent Dilfer might have been the winning Quarterback. Or there might have been a wardrobe malfunction. I don't think she's quite Jerome Bettis returning to Detroit, or Donovan McNabb barfing in the 4th quarter, but she's long past the days of the 49ers dynasty.

Instead of writing a fake obituary for her, because that's been done before, I thought I'd write a fake e-harmony profile for her. Not that she's single or even looking for a match, it's just the easiest thing to do with the material I have.

Here it goes:

Sign-Cancer
Least Favorite Terminal Disease- Cancer
Favorite reindeer-Prancer

Favorite Insult- Bastard
Favorite Wine Varietal- The kind that's wet

Likes: Poison, Bon Jovi, WhiteSnake, Van Halen (not Van Hagar), the band that sings Cum on feel the Noise (who probably could have had more success if they hired a spell checker. I mean, they spelled "come" completely wrong), Def Leppard, engagement rings fashioned from deer antlers

Dislikes:Annoying children, Head Fungus, Teenagers, inappropriate piercings, Knights, the 'h' in the word him, Buckmasters

Happy Birthday, Mel.

Father's Day Awards

2011-06-18T10:25:00.007-04:00

Greetings, Greetings fellow stargazers.
-Jack Horkheimer

Welcome to the Fathers Day Awards! Before I begin, I want to address the spelling of the day's name. Is it "Fathers" Day, as in a day to celebrate all fathers(plural)? Is it a day that belongs to all fathers- like Fathers' day? Or is it just your own Father's day- like your Father's spanking branch?
A cursory Wikipedia search wasn't totally helpful, so I'll just go with "Father's".

It's the one and only time of the year we can honor the best in the father industry. Any honoring of fathers beyond tomorrow is frowned upon. Here's a list of this year's winners:

Most fathering, modern era- Osama bin Laden. Osama couldn't be here to accept this award today, but, umm, if Al-Quaeda's number two guy wants to come pick up the award for him, umm, that would be nice.

Coolest Dad- George H W Bush. Hangs out with Presidents, goes to baseball games, gets you into Yale if you want.

Dad with a lot of work ahead of him- Anthony Weiner. Unemployed. Terrible name. Angry wife. Good luck, Mr. Weiner.

Deadbeat dad now kicking himself for being a deadbeat dad- Spiderman's dad. That should teach all us not to give away our nerdy sons to Uncle Ben.

Photographin' by the dock of the bay

2011-06-14T20:29:00.004-04:00

The baseball stadium tour continues in San Francisco. Here's a few shots from America's best ballpark- AT&T Park, home of the Giants.

<

Lovely.

Fans/idiots wait in anything that floats for a chance at a homer into McCovey Cove. Idiots.

Country band Alabama likes this shot. There's nothing like our view from the cheap seats. It doesn't get any cheaper than watching the game from the free walk- up section in right field.

Also, apparently it's perfectly acceptable to smoke weed at this stadium. People were lighting up like Rockefeller Center. Hippies are terrible.

They stopped counting after Formula 1.

2011-06-14T20:20:00.002-04:00

Tony Stewart turns some laps in Lewis Hamilton's car.

Time to Make the Doughnuts!

2011-06-14T19:52:00.002-04:00

Titular success!

B-renty Ballgame

2011-06-10T17:40:00.003-04:00

Titular fail, but at least I used the word "titular" in context.

I'm one adventuresome weekend behind in posting photos (like Anthony Weiner), but here's a shot from outside Fenway Park. Those banners hanging on the wall gave me a terrific idea. When B-rent's B-log headquarters are finally constructed, I'll hang a banner for each of the Jerk of the Year winners. When that happens, it'll be the second time Crook hangs with Osama bin Laden.
Boom! Suicide bomb! And Boom! Roasted!

Anthony Weiner

2011-06-07T20:36:00.004-04:00

I can't believe that A. I haven't commented on the Anthony Weiner story before now. B. That I didn't make it up myself.

Before this gets even more out of hand, I'd like to share my thoughts. First, he should have put everything right out in the open. He must have thought long and hard about the decision to lie instead of just coming clean. Mr. Weiner has been nothing but a jerk to the media and his colleagues. What's really nuts about this incident is that he blamed a hacker for sending inappropriate pictures.
He isn't the first New York politician to be wrapped up in a sordid affair. Remember ex-Gov. Patterson's ticket scandal with the Yankees? And who could forget Elliott Spitzer's shenanigans?

Long story short, an upstanding member of congress such as Mr. Weiner should be setting better examples for the people he serves.

Massholes

2011-06-03T07:18:00.004-04:00

It's time for another list of stuff I'm going to do this weekend. Is it stuff I actually plan on doing, or just a made up silly list? I don't really know.

Mrs. Rent and I are headed to the Greater Boston Area. Here's our agenda:

1. Buy a Boston to English dictionary so I can understand the locals.
2. Visit Boston's sewage treatment facility, also known as South Attleboro High School. Am I right, Hansen? Go Rocketeers!
3. Ride from town to town alerting residents that the British aren't coming.
4. Get my windshield washed by Ben Affleck.
5. Park my car in Harvard Yard
6. Something about a Pesky Pole.
7. Go to the Murphy family reunion, wait 4 days for them to finish the roll call.
8. Go swimming in the Harbor and have a Boston Pee Party.

Turning 30 in the friendliest town on the Eastern Shore

2011-06-01T08:41:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure she doesn't read the B in Blog, but if she does, Happy 30th Birthday to Janet.
How is she celebrating? I'm glad you asked...

1. Getting that "Coca-Cola 600 winner Dale Earnhardt, Jr." tattoo removed.
2. Driving on a dirt road, likely laid back and swerving in the style of George Jones.
3. Breakfast at the Greene Turtle
4. Taking people for a ride in a big green tractor. Or a blue one.
5. Taking Jet-Jet to Baskin Robbins for a sundae.

Digger's Ghost and I hang out

2011-05-29T08:34:00.004-04:00

What was your Sunday like? I spent the whole day watching auto racing with the Ghost of Diggers Past. Here's what happened...

4:34 AM I'm awoken by the sound of someone running down the stairs in my apartment. A second later, I heard someone running back up. Queer as it was, I tried to go back to sleep. Then they ran down and back up again. By the 12th trip up and down the stairs, I climbed out of bed to investigate. The Ghost of Diggers Past was standing on the top step ready to go down again. I said, "What are you doing? It's still dark outside!"

He looks at me like ghosts do and says, "Qualifyin'."

6:00 The Ghost of Diggers Past fires up the television to watch some race that comes on even earlier than the Formula 1 racing. It reassures me that one day the real Digger will ignore a crying baby to watch this insanely obscure race.

7:30 With the Formula 1 race about to begin I think about joining the Ghost of Digger on the sofa. I shower first.
8:00 After showering and dressing, I join GODP for racing action. He's already 200 miles of racing in for the day.
8:01 The GODP and I crack open a Sparks Energy Malt Liquor. You've got to stay dangerously caffeinated on a day like this.

9:00 We switch over to beer. As a loyal drinker of Coors Light, and the Ghost of Diggers Past a Miller Lite man, we failed to reach an agreement on the 30 pack du jour. We decide to compromise: 15 cans of warm hobo piss and 15 Milwaukee's Best. (The Beast was cheaper.)

12:00 I took a quick pit stop before the Indy 500 and when I returned, the Ghost of Diggers Past was eating something. "Fresh Guacamole" he says.
" I didn't have any avocados," I reply.

3:30 GODP and I take advantage of the beautiful weather to go fire up a grill for dinner. He throws a slab of ribs on the grill and we slow cook them and slather them with a western Carolina barbecue sauce. They tasted delicious and I ask the ghost where he got those ribs.
"Found a deer by the road," he says.

6:00 We settle in for the last race of the day- the Coca-Cola 600. The Ghost of Diggers Past makes a few jokes about dead NASCAR drivers. He says it's not offensive when he does it because he's a ghost. I'm not entirely clear on the rules on that sort of thing.

11:30 As the 600 ends, I prepare to turn in for the day. The Ghost of Diggers Past gets up to leave and I say, "Where are you going?" He says, " There's one more race I have to watch: Asian."

This Was Country Music

2011-05-28T08:41:00.001-04:00

You know what's great about having an audience of 5 people? You can name drop all of them in a song parody. I love you guys. Crappy Memorial Day.

You're not supposed to say the word "Skeeter" on a blog.
And tellin' folks Hippies should be beaten is probably wrong.
It ain't hip to write about Chargers, Chucks, stupid jerks, and Osama, yeah that might be true.
But this is B-rent's B-log and I do

Well you like to read a good one on the weekend and get a little laugh
Do you want to name your baby or review Hellboy but you don't know how?
Do you wish somebody had the nerve to tell that stupid jerk next door
to flush it, next time it smells like poo?
Well this is B-rent's B-log and I do

So log it on, dial it up, and read along-
This is real; this is my life in a song.
Yeah this is B-rent's B-log.

Are you haunted by the echo of Digger on the phone
Cryin as he tells you that ol' Tedy won't eat his bone?
And if there's anyone that still enjoys
photo essays of stuff I did last weekend, then I thank you.
This is B-rent's B-log and I do

So log it on, dial it up, and read along
This is real; this is your life in a song
Just like a road that takes you home
Yeah this is right where you belong
This is B-rent's B-log
This is B-rent's B-log
He's a Mulligan Today
Mel Hill Darlin'
God Bless the AOL
Camp Boggy Creek by the Morning
Stand by your Hansen
Take Me Home
I Walk the Line
A Cousin Crook Can Survive

* Thanks to Melanie for the inspiration to write a new one. She has my version of "Chicken Fried" on her iPod.

The Ghost of Digger Past

2011-05-27T19:47:00.005-04:00

This Sunday marks the greatest single day of the auto racing calendar. Some consider the Indy 500 a must see affair. The Coca-Cola 600 is NASCAR's longest race, taking place near most of the teams' headquarters. Ridiculously devoted racing fans will include Formula 1's Monaco Grand Prix to the 1100 miles of racing on the television. Then there's Digger, who wakes up at 4 A.M to watch droplets of dew race down blades of grass. In total, there's something in the neighborhood of 1300 miles of auto racing to watch on Sunday.

You may recall 3 years ago when ol' Digger journeyed to the great white north to watch racin' with his pal B-rent . We had a lot of fun and replicated the feat a year later. Just last year, we travelled to Charlotte to take in the 600. We stayed at a quaint bed and breakfast. It was a really fun trip except for when Digger kept saying, "You might wanna think about..." when he was unhappy with a decision a made, which happened with every decision I made. He's an impatient man, that Digger.

He can't make it this year, so I'm going to watch the races with the Ghost of Digger Past. I'll even keep a diary going so you can keep tabs on how much fun we're having.

Also, I learned today that you're not supposed to say Happy Memorial Day because it's a Holiday that honors dead people. "Crappy Memorial Day" is a much more appropriate greeting.

Dover

2011-05-20T20:09:00.000-04:00

Multiple choice:
This photo:

A. Will be used as a deterrent for children across America
B. Contains roughly half of the B-rent's B-log readership
C. Contains exactly half of the B-rent's B-log readership
D. Was taken after approximately 50 beers
E. Contains the world's oldest active hat (Does Alltell even exist anymore?)
F. Is the police's only lead on the ruthless "Napa know how Mafia" gang.

The old One Finger Salute

2011-05-18T13:02:00.002-04:00

Years ago, Budweiser produced a drink called Bud Energy. It was a mix of beer and energy drink. Apparently, it was outlawed. Somehow, though, people can be trusted to be in the presence of both beer and 5 hour Energy. (ironic side note: spraying people with 5 hour energy bottles lasts only 5 milliseconds)

Victory!

2011-05-17T19:27:00.000-04:00

http://www.fastenalracing.com/extras/gallery.cfm?gid=6333#

You should do yourself a favor and follow this link and look at the first picture. Then ask yourself what those two tools are doing behind Carl Edwards.

I vow upon my soul that the next time I end up in Victory Lane, someone is getting doused with either Gatorade or beer.

Apparently, one can YouTube Carl Edwards in victory lane at Dover and see Ryan and I hanging out in the corner before climbing the stage for a photo op.

Miles

2011-05-17T18:38:00.001-04:00

Worst parking spot ever.

A Round of Wedge

2011-05-16T17:34:00.002-04:00

There's lots to share about last weekend. I'll get to all of that later. Let me start with a screenshot captured during the race on ESPN 2.

Is it safe to say I called the shots enabling Carl Edwards to earn a victory in Dover's Nationwide Series race? No. It's completely unsafe to say that.

Dover-By the numbers

2011-05-12T08:51:00.000-04:00

As I told reader Mel "Big Mel" H. (Not her real nickname), this is fixin' to be a spectacular weekend. To quantify this spectacle, here are some numbers for you:

0- Number of Iraqis attending the race in Dover
1- United States' ranking in a list of most popular countries (poll conducted in the United States)
2- Times I play Rebecca Black's "Friday" before getting a purple nurple
3- Headlocks I plan on giving Carl Edwards
9- Number of USA!USA!USA! chants I plan on starting
16.3- Off color Danica Patrick and Jennifer Jo Cobb jokes per minute
27- Attempted murders of Digger because of the shirt Chuck designed for him (this is a result of an old wager between those two. You can search the b-log archives if you're curious.)
30-Coors Light cans in a 30 pack
30-Hours in a day (coincidence?)
72.14- Carl Long's pit stop time when I volunteer to change tires for him (in minutes)
901- Average number of compliments per day Ryan gets for his Axe body spray

Ben Dover

2011-05-11T07:31:00.002-04:00

Ok, so maybe that isn't the greatest title for this post.

I'm just so excited for this weekend- we're headed to Dover for some NASCAR action! It's sure to be an action packed few days, so I'm going to go ahead and make a schedule for myself.

Friday

6:17- Wake up at the sound of Tedy licking a rooster. It's not a pleasant sound, but it's more reliable than any alarm clock I've ever known.

6:18- Mrs. B-rent yells at Digger and B-rent for waking up way too early.

9:00- Breakfast at the track courtesy of an illegal ground fire constructed by Chuck.

9:01- Receive citation for illegal ground fire constructed by Chuck.

9:02- Eat a balanced breakfast of egg whites, scrapple, and the white stuff that comes out of a fire extinguisher.

10:00- Enter the track before every other fan and slather on the SPF 75

10:10- Watch truck series qualifying and hand out the Coors Light Pole Award (it goes to the first guy to open a beer)

12:00- Visit the souvenir haulers and sign other people up on email lists.

1:00 -Sign autographs for ignorant youngsters. (they don't know what Dale Earnhardt looks like, or that he's dead.)

2:00 Mandatory nap time

4:45 The Truck Series race- due to a shortage of entrants, I turn a few laps in my own car and take home last place prize money.

7:00- Try not to barf on people under the stands

And they're off!

2011-05-06T19:12:00.002-04:00

I've been coming up with catchy titles lately.

Saturday brings us the run for the roses- The Kentucky Derby. For one Saturday in May, we're suddenly enthralled by horses and little people. Then we're all slightly more interested for the Saturday of the Preakness. Unless a horse dies or has won these first two races, I usually don't care about the Belmont Stakes.

Anywho, coming up with the name of a horse must be a ton of fun. I'm going to give you a Kentucky Derby's lineup worth of potential B-log horse names. And now I'm off!

1. Hoof Hearted
2. Ice Melted (I think these two are real horses, I'm just going to steal those names and add an "in here" to the end if that's the case)
3. Osama bin Tootin
4. B-lack Beauty
5. The Dow Jones Average with runners in scoring position
6. Awesome Phil from Dawsonville
7. Up and Down Burger
8. Cam Tootin'
9. Dillary Huff
10. Grandpa's English Leather
11. Mile and a Half Cyrus
12. Manure Factory
13. Oat Licker
14. 12 O'clock Shadow
15. United States Air Horse
16. Brentiford P. Horse
17. Senior Woulda Saved It
18. Moist Taliban

Mother? Damn near killed 'er!

2011-05-04T19:49:00.004-04:00

Why do they wait until the last minute to tell us Mothers Day is this Sunday?
I mean, with a little warning I could have handcrafted a card or something. Maybe even dialed 1-800-FLOWERS. But now it's too late. The U.S. Postal Service can't be relied upon to get anything there in time. It's not like I'm going to trust them with a Hallmark card. Those things cost like $3.99. I'm thinking I'll just call her...collect. She'll like that.

I was thinking about what the worst gifts I could give her would be...

1. Breakfast in bed. Only breakfast is a fart, and by bed I mean face.
2. An Amazon Kindle- well, maybe a piece of glass glued to the front page of "Slaughterhouse 5".
3. Wrasslin Tickets
4. A gift certificate to her favorite restaurant- good for 1/2 off one appetizer when you buy one at regular price. Oh, I guess that's called a coupon. Maybe that's why I found it in the newspaper.
5. An offer to move in with me. My last roommate was recently shot in the face and dumped off of a ship.
6. An all expense paid trip to an island getaway. (technically, a pile of dirt in the middle of a puddle is an island.)
7. A great-grandchild
8. Meat priced for quick sale
9. A Snuggie
10.A "brand new" Statue of Liberty Chia pet

USA!USA!USA!

2011-05-02T07:44:00.002-04:00

What a week for President Obama. First, he becomes an American citizen. A few days later, he's responsible for killing Osama Bin Laden.
I think he'll cap of this historic week by celebrating at Hooters. He'd be a real American hero if he cancelled work for everyone today.

In all seriousness, though, 10 days ago I named Osama Bin Laden the 2010 Jerk of the Year. I must have provided some much needed intelligence. Like how he floated Snickers bars in the pool. You know, some people think what I did was heroic. I say, I'm just doing my job.

Spam Burger

2011-04-30T20:47:00.001-04:00

I was thumbing through some photos tonight and came across this picture of a Spam Burger.

It's Spam on top of rice wrapped in seaweed. Was it the grossest thing I ever ate? No. I had a salad once. It's extremely popular in Hawaii. It hasn't quite reached mainstream status on the mainland yet.

Oh, back ton the point of this post. What's the grossest thing I ever ate?

I'm not sure. The first thing that comes to mind is this Cambodian food I got at a festival once. I know, in hindsight, it's pretty apparent I should have known better. I tried Cambodian food from the same booth both before and since then, and each time resulted in decent food. But this one time, I got something cooked over an open flame. It was a bowl of slop on top of rice and it tasted like cigarette smoke smells. It was pretty revolting. I didn't eat much more than a few drags of it.

Another time, I was running late from a rendezvous with my lover and I left Digger in charge of the pulled pork that I usually make. Man, he must have put a dump truck worth of salt on that pork, and I believe it was rendered uneatable, that is inedible.

One time, the love of my life made a birthday cake for me using my grandmother's recipe. I'm not sure how to describe the taste. What does baking soda taste like? Yeah, that. That's what it tasted like.

I'm sure I've been disgusted by more than just these things. I guess I've erased them from my memory.

What's the worst thing you've ever put in your mou- I mean what's the grossest thing you've ever tasted?

This Week in History

2011-04-27T19:13:00.001-04:00

Well, it's not history yet, but it will be soon. I wanted to touch on some topics that fall under the current events category.

President Obama has a birth certificate. Allegedly. It could be photoshopped. I mean, he has the entire CIA at his disposal. They whip up fake passports all the time. I'm fairly sure they could find a typewriter and an old sheet of paper. What I really want to see is his Social Security Card. I wonder if he's foolish enough to release that. Although I don't think you can identity rob Barry Obama, Jr.

This whole affair reminds me of other times when famous people refused to come clean with the truth...

George Washington refused to admit his hair was a powdered wig. He always came down with a mysterious tummy ache at his friends' pool parties.

Abe Lincoln was accused of being a racist for years. Despite claiming to have "dated a black chick in college", they still didn't believe him. After several futile attempts to prove people wrong, he said, "Oh yeah? Watch this." Boom. Emancipation Proclamation.

In foreign news, the Royal Wedding is on Friday. I'm guessing the reception hall was cheaper then, as opposed to Saturday. I wasn't invited, but, then again, I didn't invite them to my wedding either.I thought about sending a gift anyway, but I couldn't find their registry at Bed, Bath, and Beyond or Crate and Barrel. They probably have everything they need anyway. I mean, what do you get them, a blender? I know for a fact there's a guy whose job it is to chew up food in his mouth and spit it back into a glass. It's called a London Smoothie.

At Long Last

2011-04-21T19:14:00.002-04:00

We haven't named a Jerk of the Year for 2010 yet! We're well past the Ides of April and barreling toward Earth Day.

After receiving a record number of nominations (what, one this year?) I've executively decided to write in a candidate and declare him a winner.

The 2010 Jerk of the Year wins the award based on his merits as a jerk over time. He's got a solid 20 years of jerk under his belt and is presumed guilty of several atrocities. I'd bet the list of stuff we don't know about is quite impressive, jerk-wise.

The sheer dastardliness of the 2010 Jerk of the Year is off the charts. What's more impressive than his Jerkescence is his ability to escape the judicial system for all these years. Think about it: even though he's probably the biggest jerk in the history of the world, and having a very recognizable face, he's remained free as a bird without so much as a slap on the wrist.

I'm talking, of course, about Osama bin Laden. I don't need to recount his most well known crimes, but I will share a few of the overshadowed, lesser known jerk moves that he has pulled.

June 12, 1999- Does a 360 spin move while taking a leak in the bathroom at his nieces graduation party. Blames mentally challenged uncle.

March 14, 1988- Eats his roommate's Hot Pockets, places empty box back in freezer.

August 9, 2001- Floats a Snickers Bar in swimming pool at a BBQ. He confessed to it after everyone cleared out of the water. To make amends he offered Snickers Bars to the offended guests. Those Snickers Bars were actually his turds in empty wrappers.

December 25, 2009- Several friends give Osama Christmas presents. He apologizes for not getting them anything in return on account of him not being a Christian. They walk away and he mutters "Psych!" under his breath. He returns the gifts in exchange for store credit.

7 days without a good story makes one week

2011-04-16T08:29:00.002-04:00

I was going to apologize for not churning out a story in the last week or so. The truth is, I just can't think of anything good to write about. I think I've tackled every subject* known to man. I almost resorted to writing what I cook for dinner every night. It wouldn't have been that exciting, though, except for the night I made shrimp and grits. Thursday night I made Spaghett "b" Carbonara. (If I ever have a b-log themed restaurant, all of the foods will have to feature the letter b somehow. That's for certain.)

Anyhow, I guess my only choice is to have more adventures so that I can write about them. With that, I'm heading to the Jersey Shore in a few minutes. From what I understand, there's lots of stuff to marvel at there. Good fodder, if you will.

We'll see how it goes.

*There are things I won't write about, you know:
10. Charlie Sheen. And I'm glad I didn't. He had a good two week run now it's worn off. I don't fall for fads like that on the b-log.
9. Libya. I can't spell Momar or Gadaffi, so he's off the list of potential topics.
8. Family Planning. TMI
7. The Federal Budget. Although I know I'd clearly be deemed non-essential.
6. 420 day. It's stupid.
5. Real housewives. It's stupid.
4. Afterbirth.
3. Steroids.
2. The Economy
1. Chuck's 30th birthday.

True story

2011-04-16T08:16:00.003-04:00

Did I ever tell you about my friend Bill from southeastern Pennsylvania? He grew up around Conshohocken and loved sports. 3 or 4 days out of the week he played basketball after he got his homework done. One afternoon, some guys from another part of town started a fight with Bill.

That was the last time I saw Bill. His mother was so terrified by this act of gang violence that she made arrangements for him to move in with her sister's family in a safer suburban community. I hear Bill did okay for himself. He really embraced his new surroundings and made the most of an otherwise terrible situation.

Okay, that's not true at all. I don't have a friend named Bill. I just recounted the opening theme of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".

What a Tool

2011-04-11T20:41:00.002-04:00

Every now and then I convince myself that I'm capable of completing any sort of home or auto repair. 98.4% of those attempts leave me bloody, angry, and covered in grease (does that remind anyone else of their prom night?). Despite the scratched knuckles and newly created cuss words, I usually manage to get the job done. More often than not, I end up having to buy a new tool in the middle of a job, as was the case this weekend.

I was about half way done changing a sway bar link (if you don't know what that is, I'm a little manlier than you) when I encountered a problem. Usually when I encounter a problem, I promptly make matters much much worse. Like, "I know! I'll use my drill!" That almost never works. Unfortunately, when I got to this point, I couldn't undo it, and I couldn't move forward. It was one of those impetuses.

Luckily, it's only a four block walk through the bad part of town to the NAPA Auto parts store. I walk in and another customer was like, "You know this guy needs help, look at him." (Asshole.)

NAPA guys are kind of helpful, although this particular guy was a little surly. Someone called to ask how late they were open on Sundays. "Til 3," he says and hangs up. To me: "We've been open Til 3 for 20 f**kin' years.".

After some discussion, it was agreed upon that a vise grip was the tool for this job. I was happy because I got to buy a vise grip and it's a very fun tool to play with. On top of that, it actually worked. I successfully replaced my sway bar link and my car gets 50% more sway per bar link. Psych. I don't really know what they do, I just knew I needed to replace one.

Acting! - Jon Lovitz

2011-04-03T10:11:00.003-04:00

Did I ever tell you about how my big screen debut was derailed by a class struggle? 100% of that sentence is true, which is a rarity on these hallowed pages.

I have an Indian friend (actually a classmate of Darcy's) who writes and directs films in his spare time. Let's call him...uh...Raj. Raj has a student film or two to his credit and these aren't rinkydink, cellphone camera quality movies. I mean, these are, like, films. I know, I know. In early posts I've been a big poopooer of films and people who call them films. But there's a real camera, a clapboard, and a script involved. They even had one of those roller coaster tracks for zooming in or something. It was pretty cool.

I got involved in a couple ways, but don't go searching for me on imdb.com just yet. First, I contributed a line to the script. Raj, you see, is an Indian fellow, from India, and tends to write like an Indian would write. Did I mention Raj was Indian? Anywho, there is an American character and Raj needed a real American line. He couldn't think of anyone more American than me, so I gave him a few lines to use.

Next, Raj and the crew had to shoot a crucial scene at a local bar. He called around town and only got permission to shoot at one. It just so happens that this is the redneckiest bar in the county. I'd been there before. All of the patrons at this establishment went to high school together. They don't take kindly to sweaters. Or slacks. Or pockets without Skoal rings. Nevertheless, the owner met with the crew and it was agreed that they'd shoot the bar scene one Saturday evening.

Fast forward to that night, my lady and I were called upon to be extras, bar-fillers, if you will. So we travelled out to the bar to start shooting at 7. It was supposed to wrap up by 10, when a band was scheduled to perform. I watched the crew set up and noticed the bar was already full of locals. I guess I wasn't really needed as an extra, but I was excited to watch the process.

Next thing I know, Raj asked me to help out and play a small (minuscule, really) role. Nervous, but ready to help, I agreed and got a run down of the scene. My part required some improv, which is tough without any sort of improv experience. In the scene, a guy walks in the bar, I greet him, and he moves along and talks to some more people before one of them storms out angrily. By 8 o'clock or so, filming starts and we do 4 or 5 takes. What's kind of funny is that when the dude storms out, some of the locals make comments toward him, as locals in a bar would actually do. It's kind of authentic that way.

As Raj is about to yell "Action!" on the next take, the band, which has been lugging in equipment starts going "Check. Check one. Check. Check two." I personally would have shot the scene anyway, but apparently it was too distracting for the crew. They talked to the bar owner and decided to resume shooting when the band was done at 1 in the morning. Great, so now I have to keep drinking Coors Lights for the next 3 and a half hours.

Darcy decided to leave, as she had no interest in waiting around that long. She sort of halfheartedly wondered how I would get home. I'll figure it out, I says. And take my coat so I don't forget it here when I leave (as if I was anticipating shenanigans).
So I listened to the band, called either God Soldier or Soldier Dog. They played, you guessed it, Southern Rock. A little bit of Skynard, some Georgia Satellites. You know, the usual. At some point, they had the brilliant idea to play an original composition, entitled "Don't Burn My Flag." It had a catchy chorus:

Don't burn my flag
Don't burn it

(repeat 72 times)

So, that was kind of nice. The band wrapped up around 1 and the crew got things set up again. 3 plus hours of drinking later, we were ready for our closeups. We shoot a couple takes and then on the third, things got weird.

Action!
Guy walks in bar with two girls.
B-rent greets guy, who is apparently a long lost friend.
Guy goes to talk to his friend Terry.
Guy says something to upset Terry.
Terry storms off, grabbing his coat on the way out.
Guy follows Terry, yelling for him to come back.

Guy turns to bartenders and locals sitting at the end of the bar and begins verbally abusing them for talking during the scene.
Everyone else starts feeling immediately awkward.
Guy spews nonsense like "at least we're doing something with our lives".
Bartenders insist he should return to Cornell, because that's where all of the pricks in the Universe reside.
Guy says, "I gave you a 15 dollar tip."
Bartender gets money from register and throws it back at him.
Bouncer says, "you're outta here, pal", thusly bouncing him.
Guy opens door with great force, causing hinge to break.
Bartenders tell us all to get out.
Dude I'm riding with tries to be nice and attempts to bring a glass from a table to the bar.
Glass falls on the floor, breaks.
Bartender screams, "Get out!"
I wait with him and the dude driving us home in the parking lot.
It's cold out there. Where's my coat?
"Terry" paces and draws nervously on a cigarette; complains about "amateurs" ruining the film.
Guy that caused trouble is assigned to the car taking me home.
Diatribe on townies ensues.
Upon arrival to campus, Guy insists we drive through "the quad" because "eff them".

I get home safely at 2:30, a changed man.

Annnnnnnnd, Scene!

That's my acting debut

Lock your doors

2011-04-01T20:37:00.002-04:00

Instead of the Indy Cars this Fourth of July weekend, Watkins Glen will be infested by at least 100,000 hippies*. I can't stress how uncomfortable this makes me. 30 miles of distance between them and me just isn't enough. And with 5 hemp shops within a 1 block radius of my home, I'm fixing to be overrun with them.

I'm not really sure how to handle this one. Do I lock my doors and hunker down inside until their gone? Nah, without jobs and transportation, some of them may never leave. I don't think I can outwait someone with no job, no home, and no reason to bathe.
Do I try to leave town before the concert? That's risky. The road is sure to be congested with dirty hitchhikers and broken down VW Buses.

My only hope is this is an elaborate trap. When the hippies show up, all of the acid will be replaced with real acid, like battery acid. Then there's the issue of getting rid of 100,000 dead hippie corpses. I suggest a bulldozer and dynamite.

Here's a video commercial to explain it. (It's a waste of money, I think, because hippies don't have televisions, computers, or shampoo.)

Phish "Super Ball IX" A Three-Day Festival from Phish on Vimeo.

*I'm assuming hippies are the kind of people that attend a Phish concert.

Hello World.

2011-03-31T22:01:00.001-04:00

My life has been a country song this week. My shoelace broke one morning, my wife left me, and I got a flat tire.

I went to Wal*Mart to buy a new shoelace. Have you ever tried to find an exact match for a replacement shoelace? Don't. It's a waste of time and effort. Oh, and guestimating the right length of a shoelace currently in your shoe- forget it. I gave an extra 3 inches just to be safe (that's what she said) and I was still 7 inches short. So I now have these weird, short, wrong color shoelaces in my shoes. I think it's because they make after market shoelaces in America, and the ones that come with the shoe are made in sweaty Thailand and something gets lost in the metric conversion or the EU or something. When will they invent a Velcro shoe for the professional gentleman?

My wife left me on Wednesday. She's not back yet. I mean, what kind of gone are we talking about here? It's either a whiskey night or just a couple beers. (that's a good song)

I had to change my tire in a muddy parking lot today. Those jerks on NASCAR do 4 tires in 14 seconds plus fill the car with gas. Man, I spent 14 seconds going, "what the...? Awww, man!"
And she was flatter than a ballet dancer.(I'm starting to feel like Larry the Cable Guy) Anyway, in my car, the spare tire is suspended by magic underneath everything. I had to insert my rod into this tiny crevice in the rear of the vehicle and rotate it. I had no idea that's how it worked. I kept telling myself for years to figure that out before I actually needed to do it. That'll teach me to procrastinate. At least I got to get all muddy doing all this. That's my favorite. Oh, and Triple A, you owe me one. I could have called, but I didn't.

At least tomorrow will be smooth sailing, right?

/checks calendar

April Fools Day?! !
Great. I hope I don't fall for any more false pregnancy rumors.

That's a good one

2011-03-30T21:04:00.001-04:00

I was at the grocery store tonight and I stopped by the courtesy desk to buy a Powerball ticket. The clerk says, "Just one?"

At that moment I resisted the urge to drop an old man style line on her like, "just the winning one". I was actually pretty relieved that I didn't say that because she's probably heard that joke about 13 or 14 million times.

That got me feeling empathetic for people in other professions who hear the same joke day in and day out. And bless these people for not applying a backhand to the sides of faces all the time. I think a jury would let them off.

Here are some other people that hear lame jokes all day:

Beer Delivery Man - "Hey, Bud. You can drop that off at my house!" Spoken mainly in former confederate states.

Guy with nice car- "Durrr, can I drive it?" Spoken mainly in former confederate states.

Barber who asks "How's it going?"- "Can't complain. Ain't nobody would listen anyway." I guess it's pick on rednecks day here on the b-log. Actually this is what I learned about human interaction while growing up.

I have to be honest. This story was much better when I was thinking about it at Wegmans. I sort of dozed off in the middle of this post and lost my train of thought.

Well I won't pee pee my bed tonight either

2011-03-29T18:10:00.001-04:00

Do yourself a favor- Watch this video. I can't even ... Words escape...what?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwzBuN7jfjw&sns=em

Honoring America Update

2011-03-26T11:13:00.001-04:00

On March 8th I decided to honor America the only way I know how: By growing a Statue of Liberty Chia Pet.

Results have been sketchy, at best. In the first photo you'll see ungrown seeds atop Ms.Liberty's dome. I had to reapply the seed after a couple weeks of no action. In fact, the only growth so far has occurred on her lower back region, which is apropo considering she was a gift from the French.

This looks like every disaster movie ever, when the devastation is over and the Statue of Liberty is underwater.

President of the United States: How bad was this Nuclear War with Aliens from the future?

Top Adviser: Not good, sir. Millions have been killed. The Eastern Seaboard is without power. The First Lady is dead.

President: Is that all?

Top Adviser: I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but...The Statue of Liberty is underwater. You can only see part of the torch.

President: May God save us all.

You know it's bad when the Statue is underwater.

The Sport of Kings

2011-03-25T18:51:00.005-04:00

My favorite card game isn't poker, gin, or blackjack. It's not even Go Fish. I like to play Kings.
The object of the game, if games must have objects, is to flip over a card surrounding a glass and complete the task indicated by the selected card. When the first 3 Kings are drawn, the player pours a portion of his beverage into the center glass (okay, usually it's a red Solo cup). The player drawing the 4th and final King earns the task of downing the contents of the glass. Fairly straightforward, right?

Wrong.

The trouble with Kings, I think, is the Bastardization of card assignments. Digger played according to one set of laws in elementary school and college. My great-grandfather passed down his rules in accordance with the folk traditions of his era. Wesley College offered a minor in Kings, yet recently lost national accreditation by the Northeastern Gaming Consortium. So if you think your rules are the right rules, you're mistaken, and probably becoming increasingly belligerent by that point.

If I may, I'd like to present the following rules for Kings to be adopted and enacted by Kwanahanadanamas 2011.

Ace- Make a rule. Common rules include "you can't say the word 'drink' ", "you have to sit on your left hand until it goes numb and pretend a stranger is helping you drink" and "the no-fly zone" which eliminates zippers at the table. I made 2 of those rules up, and that's the beauty of the Ace.

2- 2 to you. The player distributes 2 sips to an opponent.

3- 3 to me. The player is tasked with 3 sips.

4 through 8 are the most disputed of all Kings rules. Here's how I played last time. I'm open to discussion and amendments on these 5 rules. Knowing my friends, they won't agree to any of them and we'll play Asshole for 5 hours.

4- 4 to the floor. The last player to slam his 4 fingers to the table surface has to have a sip.

5- For guys. Only gentlemen take a sip on this one. I don't know how this works in an all- female game, or on WNBA tour buses.

6- For chicks. Only ladies take a sip. Surprisingly, this still works in certain all male penitentiaries.

7- 7 Heaven. The last player to raise his hands skyward in praise of Allah must have a sip.

8 now this one was developed during my last round of Kings. Each of the following sub-games involved repeating prior entries and adding one's own at the end.

8.1 Animal Noises. Player one submits a verbal animal noise, say "Bark." The player to his left must repeat the "Bark" and add a new sound, say "Oink". The sequences repeat until one player inaccurately repeats previous sounds or cannot provide a new sound.

8.2 Baseball Signs. Player one submits a common baseball coach sign, say touching his ear and then touching his nose. Player one must touch his ear and nose and then add a new sign, say wiping the left arm with the right hand. Play continues until one player fails to reproduce signs in correct order or cannot provide a new sign.

8.3 Exclamations. Player one submits a common one or two word exclamation, say "Cowabunga! ". Player two repeats "Cowabunga" and offers a new exclamation, say "Zoinks!" Play continues until one player fails to exclaim in the correct order or cannot provide a new exclamation.

8.4 Foreign Word or Phrase. Player one submits a word or phrase with an origin other than English, say "Aloha". Player two repeats "Aloha" and offers a new foreign word or phrase, say "Hasta la vista". Play continues until one player fails to provide the foreign words or phrases in the correct order or cannot offers new foreign word or phrase.

9- Bust a Rhyme. Debate over the standard unit of rhyme Is prevalent. Some groups offer one word to rhyme, say "back", to which the player on his left will rhyme by offering a singular word, say "rack", and so forth until a player cannot provide a new rhyming word. Repetition is not required here.

Alternatively, player one may offer a sentence, say "We were cane switch raised and dirt floor poor" to which player two must rhyme the final word of that sentence with the final word of a new sentence, say "Course that was back before the war". (Yes, war and floor rhyme. The game of Kings is no time to prove how much of a jerk you are.) The player to his left must offer a third line ending with a new and different rhyme for "floor" and "war". Repetition isn't required.

10- Waterfall. All players stand and begin sipping their beverage. The player drawing the card can discontinue the swallowing at any time. Not until then can the player to his left discontinue swallowing his drink. Unfortunately for the final player around the circle, he must continue swallowing until the players preceding him are finished, you know, exactly like a waterfall.

Jack- Categories. This is my favorite card. The player who draws this card may name a category and one item that fits the given category. Examples of categories include - Colors, brands of chainsaws, or NASCAR Nationwide series drivers. Items entered by players in that final category may include Jennifer Jo Cobb, Jason Lefler, or Reed Sorenson. Play continues until one player fails to offer an appropriate categorical item, or until a wife declares this category to be stupid.

Q-Question. Player one asks a question of any other player, say "Do your parents know?" Player two must ask a new question (not reply) to either that player or any other player, say "Would you care for some Fermunda Cheese?" Play continues until a player inadvertently answers a question or fails to ask a new one.

K- King in the cup. I'd think there would be no debate on this rule. Draw a King, pour something to drink in the center cup. Draw the 4th King, drink the cup, and that's Kings, or Kangs as Steve Harvey would say.

If you propose an amendment to these bylaws, suggest it now. When Kwanahanadanamas rolls around, I'm pulling up this b-log entry and following what I have written here.

Smell you later.

Which Seat Do I Take?

2011-03-23T17:49:00.001-04:00

A thousand apologies for no b-loggin' for the last week or so. I feel compelled to explain myself, so I'll do that now.
B-log regular Mr. Mulligan came to town for a workshop last weekend. He told me about his new favorite song and made me listen to it. Perhaps you've heard of Rebecca Black's "Friday". At any rate, my brain did the following things upon hearing that song, and it's taken a week to recover:

1. Melted
2. Exploded
3. Was irreparably damaged for life
4. Regressed to a time before I heard the song

I'm just kidding. I think it's incredibly catchy.

My only wish is that it came out before I made wedding plans. I would have a) marched down the aisle to it b) chosen it for my first, second, and fourth dance and c) moved my wedding to an actual Friday.

Stupid Holidays

2011-03-15T21:38:00.001-04:00

I think people are so ready for Spring, they're creating stupid Holidays and clogging Google with related searches. The week started with the "celebration" of Pi Day on March 14th. Nerds and fatties were agog with visions of pies and irrational numbers. I engaged in neither.

March 15th is apparently the Ides of March now (or for the last 2000 years or so). Do you know what "ides" means? It means the 15th day of the month. It's this wastefulness of words that makes al Qaeda and the bad guys in 1984 hate us.

March 16th is Stone Cold Steve Austin's birthday, or something.

Tomorrow, the whole country celebrates the day beer was invented, apparently.

Although not considered a holiday, people sure do go crazy over this NCAA tournament. I have to say, I can't get excited over something broadcasted on TruTV.

This weekend, Spring finally arrives. On this day, the sun will be shining directly on the equator and there will be exactly as much daylight as sunlight. Just to be sure, I'm going to have my stopwatch ready.

Ol' Ted

2011-03-12T10:06:00.001-05:00

Friend of the B-log, Tedy Diggs isn't feeling so well. I thought a parody (of a song about a dog) would cheer him up and get him back on his feet. Here's Blake Shelton's "Ol' Red", for Ol' Ted.

Digger got that dog from another man
And it cost 399
On a chicken farm in Smyrna
Close to the Maryland line.
Tedy's been here for three long years
He finally made Miss Hansen his friend.
And so she sentenced Diggs to a life of ease
Taking care of Ol' Ted.

Now Ol' Tedy's the damnedest dog that I've ever seen
Got a nose that can smell, a great big tail
He's a four legged eatin' machine
You can consider yourself mighty lucky
To sit on the couch without him licking your head
But all these years that I've been here
Ain't nobody got past Ted

And then Tedy sang
Come on somebody
Hang up your phone
Ol' Ted's itchin' for an ice cream cone
Get my tennis ball
Get my bone
Ted'll lick your face when you get home

Well I paid off Digger and I slipped out a letter
To Johnny Crook up in New Jersey
Oh and he brought down a half a pound
Of Jack Link's Beef Jerky.
Well they penned Ted up in the office
Upstairs and they put up the gate
And they sat down for their evenin' meal
They'd fill his bowl with food and wait...

And then Tedy sang
Come on somebody
Hang up your phone
Ol' Ted's itchin' for an ice cream cone
Get my tennis ball
Get my bone
Ted'll lick your face when you get home

Now Ol' Ted got real used to eatin'
His dog food every night
And so he pushed it away for three or four days
And waited till the time got right
Tedy went to his room in the afternoon
And he smiled when the Diggses went out
'Cause they were headed north to the V.E.T.
And Ol' Ted was on the couch

And then Tedy sang
Come on somebody
Hang up your phone
Ol' Ted's itchin' for an ice cream cone
Get my tennis ball
Get my bone
Ted'll lick your face when you get home

Now there's no more beef jerky left in the house
Crook brought a bag down, but Tedy cleaned it out.

A Very Special Episode

2011-03-11T07:04:00.002-05:00

To celebrate the 3rd anniversary of The B in Blog, I sat down* with a real writer to talk about the business and some other stuff. That real writer is SBNation's Jeff Gluck. He covers NASCAR for the site. He's also the driving force behind Tweetups at the track, two of which you can read about on this site somewhere. Here's the interview, in its entirety.

*by "sat down" I mean I was sitting down as I emailed some questions to him.

B-rent: Were you into Nascar enough during your time at Newark [The University of Delaware] to make it to a race in Dover?

Jeff: I wasn't into NASCAR at ALL when I was in college. In fact, my sports writing professor at Delaware is the NASCAR writer for the Philadelphia Daily News, and we used to sit in class and quietly snicker when he talked about NASCAR.

It took until my first job out of college for me to experience NASCAR and really develop a passion for the sport. When I was working at the Rocky Mount (NC) Telegram, my boss asked me if I wanted to go to see a race at Rockingham. The aforementioned college professor, Bill Fleischman, had emphasized that we should learn about all sports in case we needed to cover them, so I decided to see what NASCAR was all about. And I loved it immediately.

But while I was at college, I was still too closed-minded to give it a shot.

B-rent: What was your experience like at Delaware? (major? Gpa? Clubs?)

Jeff: I majored in Communications at Delaware, because I wanted to be a baseball broadcaster. But during my freshman year, I saw "Sports Writing" in the course catalog, and the description included going to some professional sporting events and "covering" them for the class. That sounded really cool, so I decided to do that.

As I mentioned earlier, "Professor" Fleischman was a big influence on me. He usually didn't let freshmen into his class, but he let me in on the condition that I start writing for the school newspaper. I followed his instructions, with my first beat covering the club hockey team.

I was in a hurry to stop sitting in lectures and get into the sports writing world, so I dashed through school in three-and-a-half years by taking summer classes and graduated early. It's not because I was smart, but rather I just was tired of school.

B-rent: Do you have any fond memories of Delaware aside from college?

Jeff: The best thing about Delaware was the location. Growing up in California and Colorado, you pretty much could see the sports teams from your city, and that was it. But Delaware was 30 minutes from Philadelphia, 45 minutes from Baltimore, two hours from DC and about three hours from New York City. So suddenly, I was going all over the place and seeing new stadiums and teams and cities.

Plus, Delaware had Grotto's Pizza – I recommend that to anyone.

B-rent: My wife doesn't like Nascar, but she enjoyed the Tweet-up at Watkins Glen last year. How do Tweet-ups come together?

Jeff: Before the Atlanta Labor Day race two years ago, a couple people on Twitter had mentioned they wanted to meet up at the track. I figured that to save some time, it would be easier to all meet in one place.

I had heard the term "tweetup" somewhere before, so I just tweeted that if anyone wanted to come say hello, I'd give a time and location to meet me.

At the first tweetup, I think there were three people. The following week, there were two people. But I just thought it was neat to be able to meet strangers and talk about racing.

The early tweetups were like blind dates – I didn't know who I was looking for, and there weren't big crowds or anything, so it was a little awkward. But they started to grow, from five people to 10 people to 15 to 20, and suddenly by the next year we had 40 or 50 people showing up at some. I think the most we've had is probably about 100-125, which has happened a couple times.

That's pretty cool. But it's also pretty weird. I never planned for them to be like this. It just kind of happened. And if you want to know the truth, I still get butterflies before every single tweetup. I'm not sure why, but right before they happen, I get nervous. I guess it's because I told a whole bunch of people to spend their time hanging out, and I'm worried it won't be worth their while.

B-rent: What's the worst Nascar travel experience you've ever had?

Jeff: I've been really, really fortunate for as much as I travel, but there have been a few rotten experiences. One that sticks out was a trip back home from Pocono. I was working at NASCAR Scene – I think this was 2007 – and my flight home from Allentown to Charlotte was canceled due to weather.

There was a chance we could make a flight from Philadelphia to Charlotte that night, though, so they put a few passengers into a van (without our luggage, which had already been checked) and bused us to Philly. By the time we arrived, the Philly flight had taken off, and my bag was still checked in Allentown.

It was stressful. I somehow made it home that night, though, but my bag didn't. I think it came a couple days later.

B-rent: At the track, what's your routine like on race day?

Jeff: Well, I used to get to the track about six or seven hours early because I was afraid of the traffic. But with the attendance being down these days, it's not as much of a concern.

The tweetups are usually about three-and-a-half hours before the race, so I try to get there about four-and-a-half hours early to make sure I have time if there's unexpected traffic. I figure it would be in bad form to be late for the tweetup after telling everyone to show up.

Anyway, I try to stick around at the tweetup for 45 minutes to an hour to make sure I talk to everyone who wants to say hi, and then I walk back into the infield for the drivers meeting. The drivers meeting is always two hours before the race, and while it's usually not very exciting, I like to tweet a "Where's Waldo" photo and listen to see if there are any rule changes or questions from the drivers.

Then hopefully there's time to grab a bite to eat, and the race time comes up really quickly. Driver introductions are 30 minutes before the race, and I walk out to the grid to do the "Gluckometer" and take a measurement of the crowd noise. If possible, I then head up to the press box to watch the race, usually getting there just before the national anthem.

I stay up there until the final 20 percent of the race, then walk down to the infield and get ready to go interview drivers in the garage. About 80 percent of the time, I don't see the end of the race or the burnout or the Victory Lane interview, because I'm in the garage waiting at a hauler for whichever driver will make the most compelling sidebar (a secondary story aside from the winner).

B-rent: In your recent Driver Rootability Rankings, I was impressed that Dale Earnhardt, Jr. was way down on the list at 21st. I would have been more impressed if you lumped him in the Smith-Mears-Gilliland-Kvapil "Nice guy, but doesn't run up front enough" category. Do you think most of the media is too easy on him, too harsh, or treats him just right?

Jeff: I think the coverage of Dale Earnhardt Jr. is about in line with what it should be. The media knows there's immense fan interest for that one particular driver – we can see it in the numbers and the feedback we get – and he's obviously the most popular. When he doesn't do well, he's open to scrutiny for his performance.

The great thing about Dale Jr. is he knows and understands our job. He gets it, and he doesn't treat anyone disrespectfully. So that's helpful, and much appreciated.

I remember I got blown off by Johnny Sauter once. Johnny Sauter! I mean, really? But yet the sport's most popular driver almost always stops and makes a comment – even in the face of tremendous disappointment.

The reason I don't put Dale Jr. in the Mears category is because Dale Jr. has been successful in the past – he's just in a tremendous slump right now. He's won 18 races, the Daytona 500 and made the Chase a few times. I mean, you don't suck if you've done all that.

B-rent: If you weren't covering Nascar for SB Nation what would you be doing for a living?

Jeff: Good question, and I don't think I want to find out. When NASCAR Scene/Scenedaily.com laid me off, I drove home that day thinking that might be the end of my career. I was thinking I'd have to move back home with my parents or something and probably wouldn't be able to find another job writing about NASCAR.

So I'm really, really, REALLY lucky that SB Nation called me up and was interested. I appreciate that every day. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I wasn't a sports writer.

B-rent: My favorite insult for someone is either "jerk" or "turd". What do you call people that deserve to be called something?

Jeff: I think "douchebag" is an appropriate word for someone like that, don't you?

B-rent: What's your favorite place to eat away from home? Are you any good at that peg game at Cracker Barrel?

Jeff: Well, I'm kind of on a diet now and I'm not eating fried food this year. So that's changed. Before, I would have maybe said Rubio's (a fried fish taco place in the West) or Del Taco (a Taco Bell-like place out West). A couple years ago, Charlotte Observer writer David Poole died from a massive heart attack – and that's scary, because most people on the NASCAR beat eat the same food all the time.

I'm not one to knock a free meal, but at the track we're given fried chicken or hot dogs or barbecue...over and over again. So if you think about it, that probably adds up to a not-so-healthy diet. It's tough to eat well on the NASCAR beat.

Anyway, I'm not very good at the peg game. That's a humbling game, because whenever I think I'm starting to get smart, I discover I'm not. It says it right there on the game: "If you only can take away five pegs or less, you are stupid."

B-rent: What's your favorite tv show of all time?

Jeff: This is a tough one. I love Curb Your Enthusiasm. I love Entourage. And to be honest, I love Survivor. If I had to choose just one, though, I'd pick Curb Your Enthusiasm. Larry David is the man!

B-rent: Who should people be following on Twitter if they aren't already?

Jeff: The first one that comes to mind is @odsteve. That's a guy named Steve O'Donnell, he's a vice president at NASCAR. He really "gets it" and does a great job interacting with the fans. It's important to know that NASCAR officials are listening, and I think he does.

As far as NASCAR reporters, you're doing yourself a disservice if you don't follow @nateryan of USA Today. He does a good job of staying above the fray and being very reasonable and professional in the way he conducts himself. I really admire that.

And if you're a sports fan, quite honestly I recommend @sbnation. The main sports guys at sbnation.com come up with some really interesting a relevant sports-related stuff. You won't be out of the loop on sports if you follow them (my NASCAR blog posts are just a very small part of the network).

Jeff is on Twitter- @Jeff_gluck
So is B-rent- @b_rentsb_log

Honoring America

2011-03-08T11:03:00.000-05:00

At the annual Kwanahanadanamas Party, I came home with this Statue of Liberty Chia pet. I followed the directions and took photos so I can track the progress. Maybe, when they invent the technology, I can show a series of photos as time lapses so that it appears to show the plant growing. Until then, here's day 1 of Chia of Liberty.

I kind of smeared the Growing junk all over by accident. She's going to have chest hair and a mullet. Nice!

Tickets, please.

2011-03-08T09:59:00.000-05:00

Over the years, I've been fortunate enough to attend a plethora of sporting/entertainment events. I always keep my ticket stubs and I used to put them in a cigar box. I always joked that I was going to put them in my scrapbook, even though I'm zero percent artistic or talented enough to create a scrapbook. My wife, tired of the scrapbook joke, finally made it for me. She wasn't very good about organizing it in chronological order, and she didn't exactly finish it, but I love her anyway.

It kind of starts way back in 1998. Here's my first concert- The Smashing Pumpkins. One year, we got a minor league baseball team and I went to about a dozen games that summer. The Delmarva Shorebirds really took it to the Piedmont Boll Weevils that summer. Darcy and I went to see the Chris Webber/ White Chocolate era Sacramento Kings take on Allen Iverson and the 76ers on a date once. Romantic. And my favorite concert of all time: Pearl Jam. There are stories I still can't share about that day.

Continuing on, there's a Duke Maryland game that ended in a Maryland victory and a riot in College Park. Another Pearl Jam show, and a couple of Eagles games, and I don't even like the Eagles. Digger met funny Morris at that Brad Paisley show.

Super Bowl XXXIX - It was quite a thrill to attend the Super Bowl, even though it was in Jacksonville. There's a reason why the producers of Cops have an editing studio in that city.

NASCAR at Dover and Watkins Glen and stand up comedy from Zachary Galifianakis (pre-Hangover).

Lots of action from the now defunct National Football League.

Chargers and NCAA Basketball. Cornell may have lost their Sweet Sixteen matchup with Kentucky, but at least those kids have an Ivy League education to fall back on. Those 4 First round draft picks out of Kentucky only have millions of dollars and adoring fans. Losers.

Hockey, the Coca-Cola 600, and the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach.

For a couple of summers up here, the Mrs. and I got season tickets to the theater. Art is alive, I guess.

More NASCAR, this time at Sonoma, California.

For some reason, these tickets aren't pasted in the book. There's an NBA All-star game, my first NASCAR Race ever, at Martinsville Speedway, a reminder of an exciting day at Pocono Speedway, some baseball games and so much more.

B-rents list.org

2011-03-08T09:00:00.000-05:00

A lot of people say to me, "Hey B-rent! I read your b-log once per month, how can I get the optimal b-rents b-log experience?" Okay, nobody has ever asked me that, but I have my answer ready In case that ever happens. Without further ado, here's the list of officially endorsed B-rent things.

Official shirt- The Aloha shirt I wear a minimum of 2 days every weekend.

Official beer- Coors Light. Runner up-Ithaca Apricot Wheat

Official beer size- 18 oz. (15th runner up- the 40 ouncers from this most recent Daytona 500 party.

Official Bourbon- Old Grand-dad

Official family member- Old Grand-dad

Official herb- Basil

Official music genre- Country

Official grocery store- Wegmans (all other grocery stores are terrible by comparison)

Official Hippie Repellent- Dial anti-bacterial soap (rotating scents)

Official retired baseball player- Bo Jackson

Official television network- Sleuth (runner up- CMT)

Official Sandwich- Peanut Butter and Strawberry Preserves

Official fossil fuel- Gasoline (various octanes)

Official automated computer sandwich making store- Tie, Sheetz and Wawa

Official wheeled Beverage carrying device- The Rusty Wallace cooler

Official shoe - Asics

Official belt- My blue one with the hidden bottle opener

Official cereal-Raisin Bran Crunch

Official precipitation- Sleet

Official insult- Tie,Turd and Jerk

Time to Celebrate

2011-03-08T08:31:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the B in Blog's 3rd anniversary special! It's not just my anniversary- it's yours too, as you've been reading every day since March of 2008. Even if you haven't, you cared enough to stop in and take your talents to the 2nd or 3rd coolest site on the Internet today. Thanks.

What's lined up for today? Not much. The B in Blog decided to age gracefully this year, and won't be on a day long posting binge. What you can expect is a few stories posted every hour or so this morning. Also, if things work out, I'll have another special treat for you later in the week.

Here's what you won't find on the B-log, today or any other day-

1. Anything about that guy from Hot Shots, part deux.

2. Hard hitting commentary about civil unrest in Libya.

3. Lipotor advertisements.

4. A review of that Sitar performance I went to Saturday Night.

5. Anything positive to say about Easton Corbin, the Jersey Shore, or those atrocities Hollywood has green-lighted and is planning to release-"Paul" and "Hop".

So, Happy Anniversary! I'll see you later.

What does March have to do with a lion?

2011-03-02T20:02:00.002-05:00

I have no idea what that phrase even means. Anywho, it's been pretty quiet around these parts lately. I think that's because the staff is getting ready for the big 3rd anniversary special.

You might be curious about the plans for the big day. You also might not care at all. Last year, I pulled out all the stops and had a whole day of posting genius stuff. Well, not really, but it was a whole day of stuff.

Here's some advice for you: search my archives for March of 2009 and 2010. That's some of my finest work.

Have a great day. I'll see you Tuesday, unless I die in a shuttle accident.

My to-do list, Pennsylvania Style

2011-02-25T11:19:00.002-05:00

I'm venturing into the Pennsylvania wilderness this weekend, unless the snow kills me on the way to the car.

Even though it's not exotic or far away, here's a list of stuff I probably won't do this weekend:

1. Fight off brotherly love attempts
2. Introduce the boy from "Boy Meets World" to the world. By world, I mean Peaches. By Peaches, I mean the exotic dancer from Scranton.
(I'm pretty sure that show was set in Pennsylvania. I'm too tired to look it up on Wikipedia though.)
3. Wear a chastity belt when travelling through Pittsburgh.
4. Spoil the ending of the Civil War re-enactments in Gettysburg.
5. Explore magical Harrisburg.
6. Figure out why there are so many burgs in Pennsylvania.
7. Get blue balls in Intercourse. (those are towns)
8. Visit Kate from "Kate plus 8 minus John" on "set". By set, I mean the Lancaster County Institute for the Mentally Ill.
9. Get the arlens out of my specter.
10. Try out for the Pittsburgh Pirates. Apparently owning a glove gets you a Spring Training invite.

And the Oscar goes to...

2011-02-25T09:12:00.002-05:00

The Academy Awards are given out on Sunday. I've seen maybe one of the nominees for best picture. (kind of a stupid title for an entire movie, I think. Best pictures are the ones they put on fake motivational posters. )

I'm going to make my picks based on what I've seen and upon my knowledge of the industry, so here we go:

Best actor- Michael J. Fox in "Back to the Future II". He played more than one character throughout the film, including more than one in the same scene. That's talent.

Best Actress- Any female in a Vince Vaughn movie. These women had to act like he was both handsome and funny. That's a lot of work.

Best Supporting Actor- Ned Beatty in "Deliverance". Ouch.

Best Movie- "Dark Knight". It's so good, I might watch it today. The only thing stopping this movie from being promoted to "Greatest Thing in History" is Christian Bale's ultra-gravelly voice. I wish Heath Ledger's friends knew CPR so there could be a sequel or a prequel. Rats.