Digger wins Mothers Day 500

 

Photo Credit: The Internet

(AP)-Newark, DE- On a brisk, sunny Sunday morning, Digger "Digger3210" Diggs set outwith a modest goal: Set the world record time and make "Top Plays" on SportsCenter.  2 out of 3 ain't bad, they say.

Digger cruised to victory in a race that included 4 cautions and a pit road scuffle between racer's wives.

"The AnyTime Fitness human was running good all weekend. I have to thank them for all of their support. Gatorade, Dunkin' Donuts, Bananas, GNC. Tedy. All those guys. We couldn't do it without them," said a jubilant Digger from Victory Lane.

Digger gave credit to his Crew Chief, Hansen: "I unloaded pretty good on Friday morning. Hansen gave me some extra fiber the night before. Sunday morning, I asked her to take a round of wedge out, 'cuz my undies were ridin' just a little bit through 3 and 4. "

This was Hansen's first victory as a crew chief in the half marathon. She couldn't be reached for comment after returning to her car, furious and soaked with Andre sparkling wine.

"She made it look easy, but, man, we had our backs against the wall today- Just before he race, I was leanin' on the side of the house stretchin' out my quads."

The race for Digger marked a surprising turnaround for a guy formerly best known for telling other people how they should have done something.

Digger, you might want to think about getting a trophy case.









Editor's Note: This may have been written in jest, but Digger gets a serious and sincere congratulations from this author. Good work.

B-rent: Critic Extraordinaire

Those that know me know that I'm opinionated when it comes to certain things: Pantwear, Lifestyle choices, and, most importantly, Country Music.

For what seems like no rhyme or reason, I like or dislike certain artists. I think it's time for the whys and why nots. I mean, it's like I'm doing Pandora's job for them.

There's no really logical place to begin, so I'll start by trying to explain why I don't like the guys you know I don't like.

Toby Keith-  It's not that he's too American, or that he's made tons of money off of seeming to be too American that I don't like him. It's not entirely his beard or his ugly curled up cowboy hat. It's not that his mind is as narrow as a sidewalk crack. It's not that he tried (and failed) to ruin the careers of the Dixie Chicks. It's a combination of everything. FUTK.

Keith Urban- Honestly, the real reason I don't like Keith Urban is that I can't distinguish one song of his from another. Not one of them is memorable or significant in any way.Have you ever heard someone play a Keith Urban song on a jukebox? Me either. 
And not that there's anything wrong with being Australian or being married to Nicole Kidman, but I feel like that's why he's still 'relevant'. I mean, I know Australia is in the Southern Hemisphere, but how do you suddenly start singing with a country accent. He's a fraud. Speaking of frauds...

Kenny Chesney- You might think that this is simply a clash in fashion senses. He wears the jeans, the cut off t-shirts, and an oversized hat to cover his bald head. That's just not my style. But that's not it. He sounds like he's holding his nose when he sings. Am I the only one that hears this? And I get it. Kenny likes the beach. I get it. Now try to find a song about something else.


Blake Shelton- Blake's had a cool song or two. I even wrote a parody of Ol' Red. Lately, though, I'm sick of his schtick. Guys that "tell it like it is" seem really popular and gather quite the following. I feel like he falls in that same category of Tony Stewart. They know they're assholes, but they don't know they're actually bullies.
And it's great that he married Miranda Lambert, (Yeah, I heard they were married once or twice during the 10 million times they've been on network tv this month.)
I mean, they're getting carried away with anointing these two has the prom king and queen, aren't they?  Miranda won a ton of awards in the last year that she had no business winning. I feel like it's all been a part of some great big promotion for these two for some reason. I don't like it.

Carrie Underwood- I'll admit it, she has a nice voice and even better legs. But she has some terrible songs. Wait, I need to make that Terrible with a capital T. "Jesus take the wheel?" Is that what's happening on all of the interstate pileups in the South. "I thought Jesus was drivin'."
I feel like half her songs are just a gateway to do her loud "whoa oah aoaah heey heey yeaahhhh" voice thing. Kind of like she needs to show off that she can sing. She already kind of did that when she won American Idol, right? 

Tim McGraw- The knock of Tim McGraw, according to critics over the years, is that his songs are formulaic. I don't know what that means except if it means that all of his songs are the same. What really concerns me is the leather pants and the leather cowboy hat he chooses to wear. Would you sit next to a guy on the bus wearing leather pants and a leather cowboy hat?  Maybe ladies in the 90's would, but not me.
(Side note: Faith Hill can do whatever she wants and I'd be fine with it. I'm extremely sad that she won't be on Sunday Night Football next season. That's the only reason I stayed up past 8:00. )


Luke Bryan- Oh brother. I feel like this is the next guy they're shoving down our throat. Awards and award shows? Unmerited. I feel like every song of his in the last year or two has been about drinking with the same girl in different places. They're all starting to blend together. Maybe that was his plan.  His very gimmicky plan. I don't know. He sounds like an alcoholic Kermit the Frog.

Jason Aldean- Jason had a great song a while back called 'Amarillo Sky'. Everything since then, minus 'Dirt Road Anthem' has lacked. He's got a formula, too, if you count overly loud and out of place guitarwork + what sounds like someone singing in the midst of a bowel movement as a formula.

And that song "The only way I know"? I thought it was supposed to be great, what with all of country's young and rising stars on board. Worst song of the year contender, if you ask me.

Rascal Flatts- What happened to them? They've been completely unbearable for years now. Who still likes them? Who keeps paying them to make music?

Zac Brown Band- In my opinion, these guys are on thin musical ice. I think they're talented, but of late, doesn't it seem like they're just singing songs about the islands. Speaking of which:

Alan Jackson- More Chattahoochee, less Bug in my Margarita. Alan is trying way to hard to be Jimmy Buffet, who deserves to step on a nail in his flip flops.

Lady Antebellum- Please. They're less country than Northern Ireland.

Sugarland- What happened? Did the guy get tired of his love being unrequited?  Probably.

There's so many kind of new artists to pick on. I almost feel bad even acknowledging them as artists. I think it's important to take a stand early on, and never waiver from the stand, just like I did with Easton Corbin.

Florida Georgia Line- These guys will go down as some of the all-time frauds of the business. I'm about to use the word hit in quotations: They're a one or two "hit" wonder at best. What I really don't like is that they're laying on the southern accents very very thickly.  I guess, if you can sell records to high school dropouts, good for you.

Thompson Square- I feel like their name is wrong. Or the math is wrong or something. Is it Thompson times Thompson Aren't they just adding each other? Shouldn't it just be "2 Thompsons"? Please excuse my dear Aunt Sally.


Chris Young, Justin Moore- I can't tell these two guys apart. If you played a song, I'd have a hard time guessing who was who. I don't know much about Chris Young. I'm just looking at the Billboard Hot 100 country chart and he's on it. Justin Moore, I saw in concert. I feel like he's trying very hard to show that he's a proud country fella. Maybe a little too hard. I feel like there's a lot of guys in country music right now that could all come from this mold: Lee Brice, whoever Dustin Lynch is, Randy Houser, and Josh Turner.

At first, I thought Kip Moore and Justin Moore were the same guy. But then Kip opened the show in front of Justin Moore. Weird. I actually liked Kip a lot more than Justin, minus one thing: His biggest hit. Kip does "Something bout a truck". Honestly, it's a horrible song, and I've said that before. He's pandering to country music fans with that one. It's not real and it shows, if you really think about it.
Kip's good when he's not trying to be super country. He's more Bruce Springsteen than he is Hank Williams, Jr. (and that's a good thing). His repertoire (again, minus minus minus Something bout a truck) is full of underdog, mellow sounding, simple stuff. His first album sounds like something you can play really loud with the windows down on the highway. Just skip that first track.


Jake Owen- Apparently, I liked a song of his a few years back. But then he has a lot of songs that I can't stand. Probably because I can't stand being barefoot or in blue jeans.

Brantley Gilbert- It's like, who let this hardass in?





I guess there's too many guys I really don't like and I usually change the station when they come on. But that's the easy part of being a critic. It's not hard to say who stinks.
Here's who I think is good or who I'd pay over 5 dollars to see live in concert, but not more than 15.

Brad Paisley- Unfortunately, I've seen Brad play twice already, and I don't think I need to go again. Fortunately, I don't think he can write songs any better than what he's already done. In fact, I think they're getting worse.

Dierks Bentley- I think I opted out of seeing Dierks at the Delaware State fair. I liked Dierks' records a lot early on. I still enjoy "Sideways" if for nothing else, the lines "Take that redneck stuff outside" and "The velvet rope ain't got no slack".
Lately, I think his songs have been a bit slow and drug out. I think he should go back to playing songs about that white tank top.


And for these guys, I'd recommend them to any new country music fan:


George Strait- I think the world of "Troubadour". Unfortunately, it's not allowed to be played in my house. Apparently it used to come on my alarm clock radio at 5:30 in the morning and my wife (who was a lazy grad student) grew to hate it because it woke her up. I love it, but I have to sneak it, just like Twix Bars and crack.

Darius Rucker- Darius is great. He's got more real country soul in his voice than everyone else on this list. I've had this notion for a while that I think is perfect: Darius playing a concert consisting entirely of Pearl Jam songs. I think he'd nail it.


Eric Church- Eric proves you don't need a 10 gallon hat and a leather vest to play country music. I think he tries not to record a bad song, and that's a good thing. In concert, he was energetic at the right times. I get the sense that he's a genuine article.



There are lots of guys I didn't mention, but I hope you understand that I'm not arbitrarily deciding who I like and who I don't. I have my reasons.

Arrivederci, Old Photo Essays!

I hope you enjoyed yesterday's post of our Pups in the Park experience. That's the last of those crummy photo essays you'll see on this b-log.

 

 

The good Doctor (that's my wife) and I updated our camera, so now you'll see amazing action shots such as this:

 

And get used to nature shots with one thing focused and other things blurry!

And I hope you like super zoomed in stuff, because that's what I do now!

I hope you like Jackson, because you're going to see every nook and cranny of his face, including his dog dandruff.

 

All kidding aside-I'm not kidding.

By my math, this is 4,000 words

Martinsville, All the Way

Virginia is for lovers, they say. That's why I left my wife and dog at the crack of dawn to watch a NASCAR race with 3 dudes.
I've written about NASCAR races, and the associated imagery before. Here's what happened this time...

Before settling in for 500 laps of short track excitement, I ate my first of a few famous Martinsville Hotdogs. Each of them was prepared "all the way" style, which means it had mustard, onions, chili, and lipitor. They're kind of delicious.

People watching is awesome at events like this. The person that I ended up watching most of the day was this guy. Well, that guy. You could tell right from the get-go he was going to be that guy. I found out he was a Kyle Busch fan. How do I know that? Well, he had a Kyle Busch hat on. Oh, and he stood and gesticulated wildly every time the 18 car came by. Oh, and every car that wasn't Kyle Busch got 2 middle fingers pointed in their direction. He was annoying, but overall pretty harmless, I guess. I mean, he was wearing church pants and loafers.

Photo courtesy @jeffcrook1

A few laps into the race, a security guard happened to walk up the aisle next to which I was sitting. As a joke, I stopped the security guard and pointed out the guy that was acting like an a-hole. The security guard, immediately told him to sit down and shut up. (Okay, cars were going by at like 200 decibels. He probably said shut up.)  The annoying guy didn't like it, but he sat down. A minute later he walked up the aisle and was gone for a long time.

I was 99.8% confident he was going to return with a firearm and deliver payback in my direction. I probably deserved it.


He came back with an 18 pack of Coor's Light and some food. He settled down a little. One can't completely turn off the passion, even with the most imposing security guards.
The guy sitting next to me, @jeffcrook1, offered me 5 bucks to go ask the guy for a handful of potato chips.
I went over and sat next to the guy and feigned curiosity in the chips. He tried talking to me, but as I said, it was loud. He took my marker and paper and wrote down his name and some chicken scratch that looked like Facebook. He offered a handful of chips and a beer, so I took it. I made my way to the restrooms, but first, I had to get photographic evidence that I completed the challenge.

While I was standing in line to take a whizz, the guy came up and now that it was quieter tried talking to me. He said his name was Bobby and that he likes meeting people, hence the Facebook thing. I told him I didn't know what Facebook was. He said he's got pictures of Buddy Holly on there. Then he rolled up his flannel sleeve to reveal a Buddy Holly tattoo. Oh, and the icing on the weird cake, you know what he does for a living? He's an undertaker.


Speaking of dead people:

Photo courtesy @jeffcrook1

This is actually the second time I've run across a Senior impersonator.

He signed my autograph cooler. In his best cursive he wrote "Buckle up."-Danny Dumbley, Double D.  Okay, he didn't write buckle up, but that would have been funny.

6 hotdogs later, I got home. I think I'll watch the next few races on TV. There are a lot of weirdos out there.

What a night!

I told you before that Ryan and Judy were expecting a baby. Well, last night it finally came. Fortunately, I was tagging along and I witnessed the whole thing. Here's how it went down. Oh, and I know I usually don't use cuss words on the blog, but it was such an emotion filled night, I just need to quote things as they were said. Sorry if I offend you.

We had just finished a delicious Peruvian dinner and were settling in to watch a Hellboy mini-marathon (Hellboy 2, then Hellboy 1, for some reason). Judy said, "Dios Mio!", and we knew it was serious because she rarely speaks Spanish. "Mi agua!"
Ryan sprang into action, saying coolly, "I've been waiting my whole life for this moment." He donned a pair of leather driving gloves and fastened his helmet. I'm not sure exactly what happened next but I jumped in Ryan's car. He ran out of the house and slid across the hood. Then he backed up and slid across the hood the other way, this time landing on the driver's side of the car. He opened the car door and rolled his window down before getting in. He shut the door and climbed in through the window. There was a lot of yelling, and before I knew it, Ryan was peeling out and speeding towards the hospital. He took the corners like Mario Andretti. Once, we were on two wheels. He blew through 6 or 7 red lights and did a rear tire drift to front door of the emergency room. He climbed out of the car and ran around to open the passenger door. "Fuck! Where's Judy?"
I told Ryan I don't think she had time to get in the car.

The ride back was even faster. Ryan decided to cut across a few lawns to save time. After a momentary delay when the car was stuck on some particularly tall grass, we made it to Ryan's house. Judy got in and didn't say anything. I think she was mad.

Later, after a few hours of labor, the doctor came out to get Ryan. He said, "Congratulations, Ryan. You have a 7 lb, 8 ounce baby boy."
Ryan said, "I don't care as long as he has 10 fingers and 10 toes."

"Well," the doctor began, "he has 6 fingers and 4 toes."

"Shit."

"Oh wait, yours is the Mulligan baby?"

"Yeah, that's ours."

"Sorry, I just delivered a sloth. Your baby's perfectly fine. He's doing well."

"That's great news doc. Say, can you tell my wife I'll be back in a couple hours?"

"Sure, but if she asks, where should I tell her you're going?"

"Hellboy 3 is on FX. I forgot to set my DVR."

Kick starting

Have you heard of Kickstarter? It's a thing where you beg people online for money to accomplish a goal or fund a project. People use it to start businesses or do charity or something.

I started one, but it's not for charity. I'm asking you guys to contribute.

As you may know, my buds Ryan and Judy are all set to have a baby boy later this month. They've also decided on a name. I'm hoping we can change that.

With your donations, we will buy the naming rights to their child.
Here's how the funding levels work:

For $20, we can let Ryan and Judy choose from this list: Brent, Brent Jr., Esteban, Carlos, Hugo Chavez, Jr, Juan Pablo Montoya, or Judy, Jr.

For $100, they can name the kid whatever they want, but the middle and last names have to be "@b_rentsb_log".

For $500, they name him Ricky Stenhouse, III.

For $1000, they name him Turd Ferguson.

For $5000, they name him Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, Jr.

For $10,000 they name him "Taylor Swift's Ex-Boyfriend".

For $100,000 they have to name him Doug.

And the highest fundraising level is the $1,000,000 mark. If we raise that much money, they have to name the kid Osama Bin Laden.

So get your checkbooks out, and let's do something positive for a change.

Best of the B-log

Based on memory and only a cursory search, I've determined that these are 4 of the best (well, good enough) posts over the last 5 years.

 Ol' Ted   
One of the best parodies on these hallowed pages. Also, it felt nice not to be a jerk for once.

 Springsteen
This is something I had the most fun writing. I guess it wasn't a commercial success. Tough crowd.
 You're Welcome
My favorite photo essay.
 Wiger Wiger Toods, y'all
I just re-stumbled across this one. I laughed out loudly.


But, seriously,  what's your favorite post. Leave a comment.

Happy 5th Birthday, B-rent's B-log!

5 is 47 in blog years, so that's pretty good.  Here's a look at your favorite site by the numbers:

22800.  That's how many times a story has been viewed.
22600. That's how many times I've looked at my own stories.
500- Number of times I've written "fart" on this blog.
3- That's the number of guys that live together on the show "Workaholics".
1- That's the number of times a high schooler has told me I look like Ders from "Workaholics:


763 (and counting) -That's how many posts there have been on the b-log in 5 years.
763/5 is the improper fraction of how many posts per year there have been.







This is visual proof that things are getting worse.

Thanks for sticking with me, though. I appreciate it. I can't retire and do this full time, because B-rent's B-log isn't paying the bills any time soon, but it's fun every now and then.

I'm shopping some pilots

TV has been pretty bad lately. If you pay attention, the laugh tracks on some 'comedies' are like a highlighter, only the kind of highlighter that highlights terrible jokes that aren't funny.
Go ahead. Watch "The Big Bang Theory" and pay attention to the laugh track. You'll start to hate the show.

I've decided to create a few of my own shows and pitch them to network executives. Here's my lineup:

(Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. Jackson wants to be credited as 'Executive Producer'.

Monday
8:30 P.M. The Bark-Chelor 
Good looking. Talented. Smart. Lonely. Meet Jackson, the world's most eligible dog bachelor. 25 single dog ladies vie for affection, but only one lucky b*tch (Editor's note: I feel bad about that one.) will be chosen as the one. It's like the Westminster Kennel Club Show, only with humping.

Monday
10:00 P.M.
Magnum K9
Former detective Jackson P. Magnum investigates crime on the Big Island of Hawaii. Follow Jackson, K9 as he uncovers the mystery of "Who's Outside?" and the classic caper "When's Dinner?". And look for the special CSI for Dogs crossover episode when Jackson, K9 meets his long lost brother, forensic scientist Potter P. Dog for the case of "Oh no! There's poop on the carpet!"


Tuesday
9:00 P.M.
2 and a half dogs
Jackson lets his poor brother and his son move into his doghouse. Hilarity ensues. Then the son grows up and isn't as funny.

Wednesday
10:00 P.M.
Dog Center with Brian Williams
Hard-hitting investigative journalism meets heart-warming stories of triumph after tragedy. In the season premier, Brian sits down with Jackson to talk about his rise from the slums of the Shenandoah Mountains to the soft couch of B-rent's house. Bring your tissues.